MU will no longer offer a Geography major to incoming freshman and will shut down the department when all current students have graduated, according to a statement released earlier today.
“I’ll be honest, it wasn’t that tough of a decision,” MU Chancellor Brady Deaton said. “We’ve pretty much already found everything. And people can find the capitals of all of the states and countries on Wikipedia anyway.”
The students and professors within the department were outraged, and all 12 of them protested the decision in Speaker’s Circle this morning. They filled the space with globes and the window-shade-map-things-that-connect-to-chalkboards whilst voicing their displeasure.
“We thought the earth was flat once,” Jason Ford, a junior geography major, said. “Who knows what is yet to be discovered. Maybe Mexico will end up getting moved to South America, and who wouldn’t’ want that?”
Prior to the public display of unrest the Geography Department put on today, it appeared very few students were even aware that Geography was something that universities taught.
“I thought they tested you on where all the countries were in 8th grade and then you were pretty much good to go,” Allison Samuels, sophomore, said. “I’m pretty sure Africa hasn’t moved, but I guess I haven’t checked in a while.”
The protest by the Geography Department came to an abrupt end when Brother Jed arrived to dispel his usual inarguable truths unto the student body once again. Thankfully, Brother Jed commented on the goings on before he began his preaching for the day.
“You’re all going to hell anyway,” Brother Jed said. “Jesus doesn’t care that you know where Brazil is, Jesus cares that you haven’t been to church in three years and have been worshipping a globe from 1984 instead of our eternal father.”
The Geography Department was disillusioned after Brother Jed’s comments and dispersed. Though they were separated, individual members continued to work to reverse the decision.
“I’ve sent Chancellor Deaton 35 e-mails in the last 20 minutes,” Janet Marks, a professor for the department, said. “I’m kind of hoping he doesn’t read some of them though, I ran out of things to say, so I filled a couple of them with kangaroos.”
Deaton hasn’t directly responded to any of the comments, but has released a general statement to those who disagree with the decision.
“MU doesn’t give a shit about geography anymore, anyway,” Deaton said. “We’re in the Eastern Division of the Southeastern Conference. Money over everything.”
