When Chancellor Brady Deaton announced MU was moving to
the SEC, Columbia residents knew many things would be changing so the
University would better fit into the more southern culture. At the forefront of
their concerns: Kentucky Fried Chicken.

            The lack of Colonel certified buckets of finger lickin’
goodness and biscuits on biscuits has made the presidents of many SEC
universities uneasy. According to a press release from the University of
Alabama’s chancellor Malcolm Portera, the fans are worried that they will be
unfamiliar with many of the dining options that surround the stadium, and will
be unable to find something that is distinctly southern, entirely devoid of
class, as well as horrible for their bodies and dirt cheap.

            “We know the SEC fans travel well, and we want them to be
as comfortable as possible,” Director of Zoning for Columbia, James Smith said.
“We realized that our fried chicken options were far too low.”

            The new plan for the city involves the removal of
useless, drivel establishments like Shakespeare’s Pizza, The Blue Note and The
Heidelberg, and replacing them with a total of 10 KFC franchises. The plans
will begin on January 1, 2012. KFC CEO Roger Eaton, who is not, in fact,
Colonel Sanders, is excited about the expansion opportunity.

            “Our goal, as a place of fine dining, is to pack as many
of restaurants into as concentrated of an area as possible,” Eaton said. “The
zoning board of Columbia is allowing us to do that.”

            The Zoning board has authorized KFC to put franchises
anywhere they choose, including on top of or inside any current establishments.
Infesting the area around MU with KFCs accomplishes myriad goals.

            “As far as I see it, KFCs are about the best thing we can
do in terms of assimilating ourselves with the rest of the SEC,” Chancellor
Brady Deaton said. “First, it makes the travelling fans much more comfortable,
and it will hopefully force our student body to become more like our Southern

            As part of the plan, KFC will now be allowed to advertise
inside each of the dining and residence halls. This serves to increase
awareness of the availability of delicious, artery clogging fried foods.

            “Every time a student walks into a dining hall, we want
them to be reminded that there’s a much more southern option out there,” Eaton
said. “I want them to know that they could be satiating their appetites with
grease and questionable ethics as opposed to “fruits’ and “vegetables’.”

Though the university
and KFC are obviously concerned with student health, they ultimately hope that
this move allows SEC students, alums and teams to feel as comfortable as

            “We really want to fit in, okay?” Deaton said. “Texas and
Oklahoma were really mean to us, always taking our lollipops, and I just want
our new friends to think that we’re cool!”

            Along with adding KFC’s, MU is making other changes,
including allocating 80% of Football tickets to visiting teams, claiming that
they actually did try to secede during the civil war, and legalizing marriages
between cousins. 

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