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Jake’s Movie Monday: Missing Friend
Article by
JakeWallach
April 30, 2012 at 4:57 pm
Student Files Restraining Order Against Ex-Girlfriend after Quadruple Text
Monday following spring break, MU student Brad O’Neal filed a restraining order in the local district court against classmate Katie Gladhill on the grounds that she was “being a total psycho bitch”. According to Mr. O’Neal, the two had ended their romantic relationship earlier in the semester and as spring break was approaching the texts... MORE »
Girl Gets Drunk, Cries About Nothing
MU student Sarah Stark was found on the back deck of AΣΣ’s house last Thursday, bawling her eyes out for no apparent reason. “One second I see her up on the table dancing with a guy I’m almost certain she’s never met, and the next second she’s falling all over me sobbing, ‘I wanna go... MORE »
Alpha Sigma Sigma Builds Coat Room, Becomes Top Frat on Campus
In a recent poll conducted by the MU Greek System, Alpha Sigma Sigma, Mizzou’s formerly lowest-ranked fraternity by female students, has recently been rated “Top House on Campus.” Though experts are citing a number of reasons for the rankings upset, female students asked about their sudden change in heart towards the fraternity, nearly all mentioned... MORE »
PhD Candidates Cite Social Justice FIG as Inspiration
Today, during a press conference that nobody asked for, several doctoral candidates of Sociology and Political Science at the University of Missouri cited the Social Justice Freshmen Interest Group program, or FIG for short, as an inspiration for their further pursuits. The FIG meets once every week for an hour to discuss issues that mostly... MORE »
Top Ten Pop Culture Predictions of 2013
1. Kim Kardashian gives birth on live television, baby Kimye eats its way out of Kim’s uterus Twilight-style. Kris Jenner promptly sells the newborn’s life rights to E!. 2. Anne Hathaway punches Best Actress winner Jessica Chastain at the Oscars: “I SHAVED MY HEAD FOR THIS.” 3. Leonardo DiCaprio decides to move to daytime television... MORE »
MU Brony Club and Collegiate Horsemen’s Associates engage in barn clearing brawl
Sparks flew last Tuesday between Mizzou’s respected Collegiate Horsemen’s association and the newly instated Brony club. It started as an argument over Pinky Pie and her relevance to horse grooming culture and standards, but quickly escalated into an all out brawl in the horse stables behind Hatch Hall. There were no fatalities, though several horse... MORE »
Anime Cosplayers and Dubstep Enthusiasts Plan Massive Party, Record Low Attendance Expected
Both anime cosplayers and dubstep enthusiasts alike have grown tired of being relatively companionless, and reports are surfacing that members from both subcultures have converged to plan what they believe will be the greatest, most life-changing party ever. The idea was the brainchild of Japanophile Chris Petersson, who Facebooked one entire acquaintance, Steven Clark, an... MORE »
Mizzou’s Twerk Team Turns Heads, Werks Dat Booty
Mizzou’s best-kept secret, its Twerk Team, has gained a substantial amount of notoriety this week after a record seventh place finish at the Middle America Collegiate Twerking Classic. Competing against fourteen teams from neighboring states, the Tiger twerkers proved not just to Missouri, but Illinois, Arkansas and other less relevant nearby states (Kansas) that there... MORE »
Gay men everywhere speak out in support of Manti Te’o: ‘We’ve all been there.”
Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o has recently come under fire since it was discovered that his late girlfriend, Lennay Kekua, never actually existed. In spite of the allegations and subsequent media frenzy, one group has surprisingly and publicly come out in support of Te’o: the gay community. “So what, he made up his girlfriend? That... MORE »
Cool College Guy Claims He’s Really Into Sports And Having Sex With Women
Last Thursday night Freshman Doyle Matheson admitted in conversation with a member of the opposite sex that he was “really into sports.” “Ladies love guys that are really into sports,” said Matheson, “which explains why I get it in on the regs.” As evidence of his love of sports, Matheson receives ESPN updates to his... MORE »
Sorority Girl Stunned After Not Being Nominated for Academy Award For Homecoming Skit
A University of Missouri student and member of the Delta Kappa Rho sorority was shocked yesterday when she was not nominated for an Academy Award. Julie Anne Drew starred in “Sonata de Truman,” the 1790s-themed production of Delta Kappa Rho, Alpha Sigma Sigma, and Rho Rho Rho. Drew procrastinated her hospitality management homework... MORE »
The Biggest Bullshitter: Gargoyles
You gasp for air for a couple seconds, and than he puts you right back in. The toilet water smells like a combination of asparagus piss and sparrow semen. Although, you’re not even that mad about it, and you know why? The man that is shoving your frail head into the toilet, Bobby the Gargoyle.... MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: Twittervention
It’s a problem MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: Mizzou Basement Promo
Promo within a promo within a promo MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: Stop Ice Cream Homicide
An epidemic that is plaguing Plaza 900 goers MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: GDI Life
A tale of a God Damn Independent. MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: On My Birthday
Nobody wants to do anything on their birthday. MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: LSD, the Legging Skin Disorder
A Trend Gone Terribly Wrong MORE »