Despite Rick Santorum’s surprising victory in the Iowa caucuses, his campaign has lacked the same spark that some of his competitors had, like Rick Perry’s Brokeback Mountain homage or Newt Gingrich’s slew of ex-wives.
But there was an opening. A Santorum is not just the last name of a presidential candidate, but the name for a frothy mixture of lube and excrement that can often be a product of Anal Sex.
His campaign has finally taken advantage of this unique opportunity. Santorum, who has, until this point, been strikingly anti-gay, is sharply changing his tune. Santorum is now embracing the euphemism, and running on a platform of sodomy.
Of course, his opponents and even his own family members were absolutely shocked by this revelation.
“Look, I know this stance is in sharp contrast to my former views,” Santorum said. “But, I guess the old adage is correct: “don’t knock it “til you try it.”
While nobody, including Santorum’s wife, have any idea what that actually means, his opponents believe that it is good for them in the long run.
“I respect his views,” Romney said. “But I think that in the end, this will hurt his campaign. I don’t think he’s really catering to the views of the those who will be voting for him, but who knows.”
While Romney was honest, and concise, Ron Paul sat and drooled, while Gingrich tried to lick it up.
Obama’s reaction, however, may have been the most unique. He smiled, laughed and then jumped from the free throw line over a crowd of reporters and dunked a basketball, injuring 12.
Despite the bombastic reactions, it’s still unclear what Santorum’s new campaign strategy really is. Even his campaign workers are struggling a little bit to understand how his new point of view is going to be worked.
“He just keeps saying “y’all, I got this’ and oiling himself up,” an anonymous Santorum staffer said. “I don’t necessarily have a problem with it, I guess, it’s just getting kind of creepy.
“Definitely skipping “bring your son to work day’, that’s all I’m saying,” he added.
In a survey that Campus Basement can guarantee is “totally legit,” Santorum’s support from Republican voters fell 95% overall, meaning that he now has -83% of Republican voters support. Not surprisingly, though, 98% of the gay population supports him. Presumably, the other 2% are still holding out for Hilary Clinton.
