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To The Maneater: We Understand
MU plans to close Geography Department, citing irrelevance
MU will no longer offer a Geography major to incoming freshman and will shut down the department when all current students have graduated, according to a statement released earlier today. “I’ll be honest, it wasn’t that tough of a decision,” MU Chancellor Brady Deaton said. “We’ve pretty much already found everything. And people can find... MORE »
21 year old sorority girl surprised to learn alcoholic drinks cost money
A tragic scene occurred at Campus Bar & Grill and then Harpo’s on Wednesday night. Jamie Ellen, a member of Sigma Sigma Alpha, was celebrating her 21st birthday, which took a turn for the worst when both bars tried to charge her for the alcohol that she had been drinking. “It happens a lot more... MORE »
Artists finally speak about Carter’s presidential aspirations
The music community’s reaction Sean “Jay-Z” Carter’s presidential candidacy has been mostly non-existent, but it seems that now artists are starting to realize the legitimacy of the campaign, many of them finally broadcasting their feelings about the rap star and business moguls campaign. Among them was fellow hip-hop great Nasir “Nas” Jones”. Carter and Jones... MORE »
Jay-Z speaks out about social issues, other things too
Since announcing his candidacy for President, Sean “Jay-Z” Carter’s campaign has remained dormant. Today, Mr. Carter has come out with his main reasons for choosing to run for President and where he stands on many important issues that polarize the United States. “What you eat don’t make me shit,” Mr. Carter said. It is believed... MORE »
Sean “Jay-Z” Carter announces Presidential Candidacy
The 2012 Presidential race has been shaping up to be an ugly, close race since its outset, but one man has turned the campaigns on their heads: Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter. Carter announced his plans to run for President on Monday, his presumed running partner being Kanye West. Carter has been a hip-hop mogul for some... MORE »
An open letter to Schurz Hall
Schurz Hall, you’ve meant so much to me. The ways that you’ve changed me are innumerable, the ways you’ve protected me are admirable, and the ways that you’ve touched me are unforgettable. I’ve been in your throws for almost an entire school year now, and our relationship is so blissfully intimate. Schurz Hall, I don’t... MORE »
To whomever left a Taco Bell cup outside of my room
You are a sadistic pervert. My emotions are not a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll to be touched and toyed with at your will. My life is not a game, but if it was, the rules would be changing, because I’m the fucking game master, kid. And if I read the Hunger Games, here is probably where... MORE »
The Biggest Bullshitter: The University of Joaquin Phoenix
The University of Joaquin Phoenix (TUJP) is an incredible beast. While it can’t fly or spit fire or do magic or any of the cool stuff that these other mythical beasts can do, it does have a plethora of abilities that Batman can’t pull out of his utility belt. TUJP is a simply incredible creature,... MORE »
The Maneater hires editorial staff comprised entirely of kittens
Though it’s been weeks since The Maneater published its now infamous 2012 April Fool’s edition, it appears the bottom is still falling out on the publication that once had the luxury of basking in its insignificance. With MU’s LGBTQ community still reeling from the hurtful header to the Women’s Center’s outrage, the paper... MORE »
Missouri 11th fattest state, continues to fail to be number one in anything
This week, CBS News reported that *Missouri was the eleventh fattest state* (*Make this a hyperlink to the news story*) in the continental U.S., as well as the entire union. As expected, many state and federal law makers were upset with the unflattering distinction. The number 11 tag shows a continuing, frustrating trend within Missouri:... MORE »
Study: anyone who has eaten red meat ever died or probably will soon
In recent weeks, multiple studies have been published and widely publicized about how Red Meat relates to the mortality rate of those who consume it. The study showed that eating unprocessed Red Meat raised the mortality risk by 13% and processed by 20%. However, yesterday a far more troubling study was released: the mortality rate... MORE »
A plea to the NCAA Selection Committee
Dear NCAA Selection Committee, I know on paper we might not look that impressive. I know that our out of conference schedule wasn’t as good as some of our competitors, but don’t sleep on SEMO. Regardless, I think we did pretty alright. We beat some good teams on our way to a Big XII tournament... MORE »
Swiss sues Cheddar for child support
This year marks the 340th birthday of American cheese. Instead of celebrating however, the attention of American cheese and all those who love it will be centered about the ongoing court case between Americanâ??s long divorced parents, Swiss and Cheddar. â??I thought things had settled down,â? American said. â??I was so sure that Iâ??d be... MORE »
Student section to be switched with visiting section at Faurot Field in 2012
On Monday, Athletic Director Mike Alden announced that, due to MU’s move to the Southeastern Conference, some things had to change at Faurot Field. These changing included moving Marching Mizzou and changing the text in the end zones from “Missouri” to “Mizzou”. While most changes were relatively benign, one change carried a much bigger weight:... MORE »
Newspaper changes from Maneater to Personeater to remove gender bias
The Maneater, the award-winning student newspaper at the University of Missouri, has long been a place for talented and likely-to-be-successful journalists to collaborate with mediocre writers whose hearts will eventually be broken. Unfortunately for the paper, the name, which has been theirs for over 50 years has recently come under heavy fire from the Women’s... MORE »
Santorum embraces innuendo, runs on platform of sodomy
Despite Rick Santorum’s surprising victory in the Iowa caucuses, his campaign has lacked the same spark that some of his competitors had, like Rick Perry’s Brokeback Mountain homage or Newt Gingrich’s slew of ex-wives. But there was an opening. A Santorum is not just the last name of a presidential candidate, but the name for... MORE »
Cheaters, plagiarists fear SOPA will censor essays
The Internet flexed its big, manly muscles at Congress yesterday as many popular sites blacked out in the middle of the week, which happens to the best of us. Their “protests” were meant to warn and inform citizens of the dangers of SOPA and PIPA, two bills currently being discussed that are meant to protect... MORE »
10 Things to Do Over Winter Break (Mizzou)
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! Congratulations. You’ve passed go, collected your GPA and proceeded to your former stomping grounds known as your “hometown”. But because you won’t have any “studying” to... MORE »
Campus Dining to transform Baja Grill in 2012
Few things are more mediocre than Campus Dining. Their standards are low, and as long as less than 30% of the students contract salmonella, all is generally well. The food is to remain edible and the service staff are to wash their hands most of the time after using the rest room. But past that,... MORE »
MU’s move to SEC prompts KFC to open 10 new locations in Columbia
When Chancellor Brady Deaton announced MU was moving to the SEC, Columbia residents knew many things would be changing so the University would better fit into the more southern culture. At the forefront of their concerns: Kentucky Fried Chicken. The lack of Colonel certified buckets of finger lickin’ goodness... MORE »