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Reasons I Love Living in Missouri….
Picture by
Grill
March 26, 2012 at 11:56 am
MU Basketball Players Actually Monstars
Columbia, Missouri- Scandal and college sports, it would seem, go hand in hand. During a routine pre-season blood test, the blood work of five members of the MU men’s basketball team came back clear of all substances. As if this fact wasn’t shocking enough on its own, it was uncovered that the five, all freshmen... MORE »
Missouri 11th fattest state, continues to fail to be number one in anything
This week, CBS News reported that *Missouri was the eleventh fattest state* (*Make this a hyperlink to the news story*) in the continental U.S., as well as the entire union. As expected, many state and federal law makers were upset with the unflattering distinction. The number 11 tag shows a continuing, frustrating trend within Missouri:... MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: Twittervention
It’s a problem MORE »
Five Ways To Prevent A Ghost Attack
So, I’ve been the target for frequent ghost attacks ever since I decided it was a good idea to do an Ouija board in front of a cemetery at three in the morning. Candles, friends, rain, creepy aspects all in line, I’m pretty sure that some ghost got really pissed off and decided to haunt... MORE »
Marching Mizzou feels like “Party Rockin'”
Our marching band “Marching Mizzou” has struggled to gain the respect they deserve. It could be the obnoxious fuzzy hats, the anime band nerd stereotype or that their half time shows include music from the dark ages. But as the band has recently added “I just had sex,” to their playlist, they’ve found a way... MORE »
“Safety Dance” Outlawed; Second Civil War Ends
Chaos. Bloodshed. Annihiliation. 1983–the beginning of the most violent and horrific outbreak of violence in Columbia since the Civil War. Fast forward 29 years–the day it ended. Families of the victims won’t be seen parading around Columbia. Shattered CD cases can be seen strewn all over downtown. (henceforth referred to as, “The District”). Unbeknownst to... MORE »
Mizzou softball blows out Royals
For the third consecutive season, the University of Missouri softball team blew past the Kansas City Royals, this time by a 9-2 margin. The game was held at Kansas City’s Kauffman Stadium, where a makeshift outfield wall was constructed to bring the distance down from 415 ft. to 225 ft. in order to accommodate the... MORE »
Reasoning Behind Radcliffe’s Alcoholism Revealed: Gingers
The cause of Daniel Radcliffe’s drinking problem may be directly linked to his role as Harry Potter, according to a source close to Radcliffe. “Playing Harry was a huge part of Dan’s life,” said Radcliffe’s mother, Janelle Radcliffe. “In fact, it became his life. Sometimes, I feel as if he would’ve responded better to Harry... MORE »
Cool College Guy Claims He’s Really Into Sports And Having Sex With Women
Last Thursday night Freshman Doyle Matheson admitted in conversation with a member of the opposite sex that he was “really into sports.” “Ladies love guys that are really into sports,” said Matheson, “which explains why I get it in on the regs.” As evidence of his love of sports, Matheson receives ESPN updates to his... MORE »
No Fun: Cops Break Up One Person Party
Wash U’s police force, WUPD, reached new levels of strictness on Saturday night, breaking up a one-man party. Fred Fredrickson, a transfer student, was uninformed of WashU’s newly instated “No Fun” policies. The current police state reigning over Wash U’s social circle left Fred alone, confused, but ready to party. “I just didn’t understand why absolutely... MORE »
Dear Girl Who Laughs Too Much in Class
Dear Girl who Laughs too much in class: I hate you. That’s really all there is to it. The professor is not that funny, and I’m sure he isn’t even flattered at this point. Your laugh is so loud, so obnoxious and nasally, it makes me sick to the stomach, an infectious cacophony of horridness. This isn’t... MORE »
HORSIES! ON CAMPUS! (hm.)
There was a horse-drawn carriage on campus today (it might still be roaming around if you wanna chase it). See the photo for confirmation. I can’t be the only person at WashU wondering what in the world that was doing here. These are my thoughts on what the administration must’ve been thinking when they approved... MORE »
Ode to the Evil Girl from down the Hall
Everyone’s got that girl…she lives in your building, on your floor, is in one of your classes. You see her everywhere and she refuses to acknowledge your existence. Here’s my ode to you. We’ve all got one, in spring through fall,The evil girl from down the hall.She may be short, or maybe tall,The evil girl... MORE »
Twelve Students Perish in Whispers due to Lack of Water Cups.
Apparently, water cups are the new gold. Only some have them, everybody wants them””although you don’t need gold to live”¦so I guess water cups are better. Twelve students were found unconscious this afternoon in Whispers and the Greater Olin Library area due to the new restrictive water-cup policy on campus. Their bodies were resuscitated with... MORE »
How to Get By During Rush
With students returning to school frantic for a good time (we all know Christmas Vacation gets quite boring), the commencement of fraternity rush stomps all over the fun WashU students are supposed to be having at the beginning of a new semester. While the workload is still manageable enough for students to explore hedonistic exploits... MORE »
U Mad?–Questions that Piss off Wash U Students
There are plenty of questions that bother Wash U students. We’re a sensitive group. Whether it be confusing Washington University with similarly named state schools, thinking that our athletics are division one or that our social life is hedonistic…it all pisses us off. Here are some of our (least) favorite questions presented to a typical,... MORE »
So, How Am I Doing This Semester: Professors’ Procrastination
In my limited experience, intellect has been accompanied by procrastination. Hard workers have wandering minds, a budding curiosity to explore the unknown. Often, hard workers need to take breaks from busting ass with stents of wasted time: hours spent on both obscure and mainstream websites, looking at photos of their friends (for the 100th time”¦),... MORE »
Apologia: Why I Drop Kicked You in the Face.
The seconds ticked rapidly towards midnight that evening. It was the eve of one of those devilish Wash U Monday’s when, for some reason, all professors decide to assign something major for the weekend. And there I was, alone, isolated in a top floor library cubicle, diving into analytical essays, while simultaneously reviewing statistical concepts... MORE »
Staff Writers Hangin’ out
#tellmeyourekidding MORE »
THE FACE: My attempt to shake up Wash U’s Social Life
Do you see something off about this photograph? Do you merely recognize some co-eds have a good time, enjoying a pregame before Linus, a large off-campus philanthropic party? Or do you spot something lurking in the back? A strange, slightly upsetting expression. A dark hole of rebellion. It’s THE FACE. Here is my brief,... MORE »
Why the Midwest Frightens Me.
Saw this on my way to lunch. ‘Nuff said. MORE »