After University of Missouri athletic teams received new Nike uniforms, Mizzou professors, janitors, residential life staff, and others will also be receiving Nike Pro Combat uniforms to commemorate the school’s change into the Southeastern Conference (SEC).
The new uniforms resemble football jerseys, complete with numbers, names on the back, and even the SEC logo on the sleeves. Football pants also complete the uniform, even though the new recipients of the uniforms don’t have to necessarily wear football pads.
“Man, we are loving the SEC,” Mizzou Athletic Director Thomas Washington said. “But the only way we’re going to catch up to all the other schools is by having our entire staff represent the mindset of the SEC.”
Missouri professors are meeting the new uniforms with rave reviews, as they seem to enhance the work experience.
“I feel free,” Philosophy Professor Maxwell Simon said, holding his new Nike gloves in a triangle position, forming the Mizzou logo in his palms. “This new uniform doesn’t make philosophy that much more exciting, but I feel like I’m playing JV football all over again!”
The school’s custodial staff also seems to be optimizing the new uniform options in a unique fashion.
“All of my guys are now working their butts off,” Custodial Manager Don Warren said. “Just the other day, a frat guy vomited in a residential hall bathroom, and my cleaning crew attacked the job like the Georgia Bulldogs.”
Despite allegations of substance abuse and illegal recruiting, Warren’s crew finished their 40-yard vacuum clean in a record 4.4 seconds, beating their previous record by over five minutes. Their garbage cleaning duties are also setting record times.
“I’m telling you, it’s the uniforms,” Plaza 900 Card Swiper Maria Francis said, pointing at the gold 900 printed on her chest. “I’ve been working here for ten years and I’ve never been more efficient in my card swiping due to the sharp sleeve design and the dry fit mesh material.”
Some professors aren’t necessarily buying into Nike’s bombastic, overdone uniform options.
“Who do they think we are, the Oregon Ducks?” Statistics Professor Gregory Phillips said. “Everybody else is saying they do their job more efficiently with these god-awful uniforms, but we look absolutely ridiculous.”
Injuries were reported after two economics TA’s fought over the same uniform number.
“Yeah, we realized our staff is taking this uniform stuff way too seriously,” Washington said. “But let’s be honest, this is a new era, and uniforms are truthfully the only good recruiting tool to sway an SEC recruit away from the other schools, like Alabama and Auburn.”
Professors are also hesitant to begin wearing Nike apparel because of its presence as a distraction in the classroom.
“If we want to be like an SEC school, our school will have to lower our required ACT score to 12,” Phillips said. “Plus, these pants are really
riding up my ass.”
