Although Cornell does not have any bathrooms with gold-plated toilets, there are plenty of places on campus where you can find a top rate place to do yo’ buisnass.
Through extensive research I have compiled a list of the top 10 places ON campus to take a deuce. Hopefully this list will help you in your time of need whether it is an emergency and you need the cleanest that’s the closest or you have time to kill before the urgency hits and want to find the best of the best.
But, before I begin I would like to give a special shout-out to the bathrooms of the establishment formerly known as Green Cafe. Those bathrooms were wonderful and necessary. You would eat at Green Cafe and then soon thereafter would need a place to rest your bottom. You could enjoy some television while you flushed your system of the miserable food you just ate and they were clean unlike their meals.
Now, let us begin the real list:
10. 104 West- (where the Jews poo) although it is not on central campus, if you find yourself with a little extra time to spare or are walking home from the gym and really need a place to stop, the Jewish Living Center is a great place to wind up.
9. Uris- (not the library) I asked around and a bunch of people said they enjoy Uris’ bathrooms on G and not only because of its convenient location; “I have had some of my best moments here” said a junior who wishes to remain anonymous.
8. Duffield Hall- say you just ate a big ol breakfast and a cup of coffee that literally went right through you in college town and now you’re making your way to class and are in dire need to go, first floor Duffield is there to save the day with a clean bathroom!
7. Mann Library- studying all day, eating Manndibles coffee and tofu scrambles galore, no fear you can have some privacy in the handicapped stall in the bathroom at Mann in the hallway that leads to Warren Hall (but don’t stray too far into Warren, those bathrooms are crap, no pun intended)
6. Morril Hall- a wonderful option if you’re walking through or hanging out on the Art’s Quad, and no need to walk up any stairs and risk an embarrassing situation, the first floor of this building is where to be!
5. Baker Lab 3rd Floor- apparently there is a private bathroom on the 3rd floor of Baker that many people including myself have never heard of, so good luck finding it, but I hear when you’re there it’s magical and would be number 2 (haha) on our list if we knew exactly where it was, so if you have some time to spare before you explode check it out.
4. Johnson Business School- you can also do your business in the business school and you don’t have to be a grad student, for those graduate business students who are reading this blog, thank you, and congratulations, you don’t have to go very far, the bathrooms in here are top rate just like our business school (winky face).
HERE ARE YOUR TOP 3 PLACES TO POOP:
3. Unisex Handicap in Olin Library- although there was some people who felt they did not enjoy pooping in the libe because there are so many people, if you can find the unisex handicap bathroom in Olin it’s great “because you’re all by yourself” said another anonymous contributor (I would hope so), but if that’s occupied I hear the 3rd stall is grand, which is why I put Olin as #3 since it allows for shitting options
2. Upson Hall- our number 2 bathroom on Cornell’s Engingerring Quad is Upson Hall’s 1st floor bathrooms, they are newly renovated and so I would strongly recommend heading over to Upson if you have the time (but try please be neat and wipe the seat because I don’t want to have to update this list if you destroy a wonderful place to poo).
AND OUR NUMBER ONE SHITTER IS…..
1. Statler Hotel (for your pooping pleasure)- if you have time and really want a quality place to go to the bathroom make your way to the Statler Hotel, the Hotel School just missed the top 10 (due to the fact that you have little to no privacy), but it is okay because you just need to walk a few extra feet for complete privacy at the Hotel, you pay enough money to go to Cornell and the Statler overcharges so much for their rooms that the bathrooms in the Hotel are always immaculately clean (thank your fellow classmates who are probably cleaning them for extra credit in the Hotel School) and most people don’t know about this hidden gem so it is very private…let’s just hope after this list goes viral it doesn’t become a shit show….HAHAHA, god I’m funny.
Anywho, that completes our list of the 10 top rate places on campus to take a shit. Look for a poll in the next few days on campusbasement.com about your least favorite bathrooms on campus.
Oh, and just missed the list is the bathroom in ILR across from the computer lab….maybe next year guys.
For anyone looking for some great places to pee, check out Syracuse’s pee guide!
