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Cornell Committee for Preventing Parking Like a Dick
Picture by
apost
October 2, 2011 at 8:06 pm
Cornell Student Assembly has decided to take the necessary steps towards making College Avenue a safer and happier place for all. Currently when walking down College Avenue on the sidewalk it is not uncommon to have to walk out of the way of a car parked on the curb. When you drive down College Avenue it feels like a one way street because of all the cars that are parallel parked with half the car jutting out into the street. They are organizing funds to create a Parking Enforcement Committee run by students who are sick and tired of people parking like dicks. If you live in college town you have been driving for at least 4 years, you should be able to park a car. The committee will terrorize students' vehicles until they all learn to parallel park...one car at a time! Next time you might wanna spend an extra two minutes fixing that park job.
Giant Snow Dick!
too bad campus police destroyed it MORE »
Kids – don’t do Acid
This is what happens when you do acid and your friends have no lives and are really good with computer animation MORE »
4.0 GPA Totally Compensates for Sex-less Semester, Rationalizes Freshman
Upon checking his course grades on student center, freshman Phineas Plottman expressed tempered joy and mild exuberance over the fact that his semester spent not fornicating with members of the opposite sex, culminated in a 4.0 GPA. “Oh my gosh, this feeling is so amazing,” said Plottman meekly, “definitely more satisfying than repeatedly thrusting my... MORE »
Local Student Refuses to Vote for Anyone Who Doesn’t Dress Like an Elf
ITHACA, NY ““ Carl Burkenson ’15, of Cornell University, has reportedly absolutely refused to vote for anyone in the coming SA elections who does not dress like an elf and sing songs. “You heard me correctly,” says Carl. “Don’t bother adding me to your god damn Facebook group. Unless of course, you wear an elf... MORE »
This Is What I Made Instead Of Studying
Finals Week! MORE »
Wagner football looking a lot like Cornell football
I bet I’m not the only one surprised it wasn’t a Cornell kid running backwards MORE »
This One’s a Panty Dropper..
I’m on my video A-game lately and it’s all thanks to my fellow Cornellians constantly churning out hilarious vids for the rest of us to watch instead of doing more important things like GTLing. I stumbled up on this Bo Burnham-esque video from Jon Zucker ’14 and I couldn’t resist, he’s just so damn adorable.... MORE »
Christmas Comes Early ;)
Justin Timberlake may have put his dick in a box…but that doesn’t come close to a dick in a Santa Hat. MORE »
Violence in Teagle
The custodial staff will cut you (and your belongings)! Best not be using their lockers over night… MORE »
Music Monday
well, it’s actually been tuesday for over 2 hours now, but Music Monday sounds sweet. Diddy dirty money – I’m coming home � Sixstring King house remix – Kesha We R Who We R Bruno Mars – Just The Way You Are Skrillex Batboi Remix Bonus Track: Germany Mega-Mashup MORE »
No Spring Maintenance….
After last Friday’s 85-degree weather, it appears that Cornell University has used all of its spring maintenance funding on keeping the Lake Effects snow out of the forecast, not accounting for the shocking, yet annual, mid-April snow and sleet storm. While on a campus tour this morning, a pre-frosh was overheard stating “well, it can... MORE »
Hunger Games At Cornell: Which College Will Win?
Ezra Cornell was actually a pretty twisted President. When he founded Cornell he also said that at the 147th (arbitrary number chosen similar practice done by the Mayans for their calendars) Commencement, rather than have the standard “all rise and all sit, congratulations you’ve graduated” at the ceremony, all 4 state colleges will have a... MORE »
Cornell University Hides Oprah
What some people thought was an April Fools joke at Cornell University was actually reality! Oprah was at Cornell. But, how did nobody know about her arrival, her stay or her departure? If anyone could pull off a magic trick like this it is David Blaine. Yes, Cornellians that is right. Cornell Administrators paid David... MORE »
Mayor Bloomberg Professes Love to Cornell in Song and Dance:
Go to time 2:10 MORE »
Yogurt Crazy Bases Hours on New Cornell Study
A new business study from the Dyson School at Cornell shows that undergraduates only eat frozen yogurt at two points: when they are drunk or when the sun has completely set. When the Daily Sun article came out, students were confused as to whether or not this article was meant to be written for the... MORE »
Breaking News: Lefties Protest Outside Olin
Yesterday, outside Olin Library, Lefties came together to protest against the abundance of righty desks and lack of lefty desks around Cornell’s Campus. With so many famous, successful, lefties, it is disturbing to these students that they are underrepresented. “We used to be persecuted against. There’s a long history of discrimination against our people. My... MORE »
Study Buddy: A Cornell Basement Syndicated Column
Dear guy sitting behind me in Mann who keeps making sighing noises, I REFUSE to turn around and acknowledge you. I don’t care, I won’t turn around and look at you. Others might, but not me. Your sighs are getting louder and closer together like you’re having contractions. I WON’T look back. Eyes on my... MORE »
RUMORS: Ithaca Mayor dating a Kardashian?
Oh and don’t worry it’s not Khloe…she and Lamar are like a rock. Sturdy and round. Some people have been trying to throw viewers off course by saying that Kim Kardashian is dating Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks. But we all know she is trying to steer clear of athletes and singers due... MORE »
How to Have a Successful Chilifest: Ithaca 2012
Ithaca has gorges, wineries, Cornell, Applefest and Chilifest. That’s about it. There is nothing else going for this city so it is important to know how to make the best of what you have. 1. Never pay for chili: you might be asking….how can I enjoy such a glorious day without paying for any chili? ah... MORE »
Top 5 Worst Gifts Received on Valentine’s Day: Cornell Style
1. A Photo Framed of Yourself: you know that you’re in a terrible relationship when you boyfriend gives you a framed picture of himself for Valentine’s Day. Yes, GQ rated us the doucheiest school in the country, but your boyfriend takes the cake. His graduation photo with the cap and gown…what are you his Aunt?... MORE »
Shit Cornellians at Cornell Say
Agreed upon by some disagreed upon by few….these are the shits that we say up in here. MORE »
BREAKING NEWS: Cornell Working to Hire Victor Cruz as Salsa 101 Instructor
Everyone at Cornell (except transfers…how come they get away with this?) has to take two gym classes and a swim test before they are able to graduate. For some reason it is important that we have both academic knowledge and have 6 credits worth of some physical activity knowledge. We are a well rounded university!... MORE »
Incidences of Hypothermia Increase Due to Lack of Alcohol During Pledging
Even though, in recent weeks, the weather in Ithaca has been unseasonably warm, because of lack of alcohol during pledging students have found themselves feeling like a foreigner….cold as ice (to any 80s music fans out there). “I used to wear a liquor jacket out ever night. Now I’m freezing outside because I can actually... MORE »
We Don’t Eat Meat….Or Products of Anything With Feelings
Ah yes, another “you know you go to Cornell when” photo. This is more than that though. This is a warning sign. If you see this car be cautious, the people on board are angry because they are most likely hungry. Additionally they are probably mad at you because you support hydrofracking even though you... MORE »
The Giants v. The 49ers: From a Guy Who Doesn’t Know About Sports
So you’re probably thinking, why don’t I know anything about sports? I am a guy and I want to join a frat. Not the typical stereotype now, am I? Yeah, breaking barriers! Anyway, I played sports when I was a kid. Standard, Little League and soccer where everyone runs around chasing the ball and there... MORE »
You’ve Done it Again. RIP Palms O’Clock.
Dear Cornell, Thank you. Sincerely, Graduating seniors and recent alums Yes, we thank you for all the hard work you have put in, to make us want to leave your campus, and be okay with the fact that our jobs are so competitive and demanding that we are unable to make the trip to come... MORE »
Drunk Letters To Santa (Cornell)
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! YOOO FAT WHITE BIIIITCH!!! So like my bizniss manager sed it’d be a good meiffovve to write you a lettttter about shit I wnt in my... MORE »
Transfer Pride: I used to go to Maryland
I used to go to a real school. One where there were tailgates and acid dropping on a Monday at 6pm before Lab and a real Greek Week/Homecoming. Ah yes and one where the Jewish Council students broke it down real hard in the library during finals week. At Cornell we have Club Mann…..at UMD... MORE »