Due to the recent uproar on the part of both students and faculty President Skorton has finally decided to take down the fences. In place of the infamous fences Skorton has made the executive decision to fill in the gorges. Requests are now being taken to decide what the gorges should be filled with.
Marc Stinsmore is absolutely certain that there is a typo on much of the Cornell University apparel. Stinsmore, a freshman, insists, “They spelled the word “gorgeous’ incorrectly and I demand that it be corrected. How is Cornell even an Ivy if they can’t spell a simple word? It’s embarrassing.” Stinsmore’s peers have attempted, however... MORE »
White sorority girls across campus are celebrating Dwayne Carter Jr, AKA Lil Wayne’s release from Riker’s Island jail this morning. At around 9 am on November 4th, Weezy was freed after serving eight months of a one year gun sentence (not sure what happened to those other four months), during which he mysteriously released an... MORE »
Except when its sean connery mispronouncing them in an snl jeopardy, and you can see it here https://www.myspace.com/video/vid/31133142. Anywho, I’ve got a few beats that have been stuck in my head for weeks now. First and foremost, I re-discovered this song recently and have since re-fallen in love with it again…kind of like the plot... MORE »
Tonight is the Big Red Hot Hockey game that takes place every other year against BU at MSG. In the next few hours your news feeds are going to start blowing up about about the game. Examples of statuses you will see: 1. “At MSG go Big Red” 2. “Let’s go Cornell!” 3. “I’m in... MORE »
In a move that’s come as a real shock to Cornell Students, The Tompkins County Department of Transportation has banned all freshmen from riding TCAT Buses, effective immediately. In a recent announcement, County Transportation Secretary Jay LaHood stated, “Its time for the disrespect to end. There have been lots of complaints by drivers of freshman... MORE »
ITHACA, NY-When Cornell University President David Skorton announced last month that he was going to sacrifice his first born child in an effort to snatch the NYC tech bid, Cornellian’s were quite skeptical. It seems as though Skorton has proved countless students wrong in not only earning the tech bid, but also in ensuring pleasurable weather for... MORE »
In a recent press release, Michael Johnson, Dean of the Cornell School of Hotel Administration issued the following statement: “We are a real school. We are a college within an Ivy League Institution, and we demand to be taken seriously.” The release comes only days after an incident in which an anonymous student hacked... MORE »
ITHACA, NY ““ Carl Burkenson ’15, of Cornell University, has reportedly absolutely refused to vote for anyone in the coming SA elections who does not dress like an elf and sing songs. “You heard me correctly,” says Carl. “Don’t bother adding me to your god damn Facebook group. Unless of course, you wear an elf... MORE »
you will never win MORE »
As I’ve not so subtly pointed out before, I personally believe that some of the University’s recently approved policies may have been thrown together just a bit quickly in an attempt to make the administration appear more responsible or relevant, without a ton of thought given to the actual problems at hand. For example,... MORE »
If you’re like me then your winter break has been jam packed with movies, and if you’re Jewish like me then these aren’t movies that you’ve paid for. I put more effort into researching a movie I might have to pay to see in theatres than I’ve put into my thesis. First, I check RottenTomatoes.com... MORE »
….so the quality of my work has taken a hit, but my A.D.D is alive and well! MORE »
you will never win MORE »
It’s the Christmas of college: Halloween weekend. Halloween was once known to all of us, in a much more innocent time, as the night where we dressed up as our favorite superhero and ate as much candy as our tiny tummy’s could hold before we puked. But now that we’re much older and wiser Halloween... MORE »
Proclamations of shock, distrust, and a hint of sexual frustration were heard across the Cornell campus as, on October 27, snow began to fall. Barry Valentine ’15 exclaimed, “I can’t believe it’s snowing in Miami at the end of October! What? We’re not in Miami?…. We’re in upstate New York?… oh then this is perfectly... MORE »
Professor Robert Johnson, a nationally acclaimed nutrition expert, has devoted his entire career to solving the obesity epidemic. “I have spent years traveling all over the country and the world trying to figure out why people in America are so goddamn fat.” After cross checking all of his references and eliminating all confounding variables, Johnson thinks he’s... MORE »
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Loch Ness monster, a good Nicholas Cage movie, Fall break. What do all of these things have in common? They’re not real. Come on, you didn’t really think you were going to get an entire 4 days off in the middle of the Fall semester did you? “But Yom... MORE »
it’s cool if I leave my iPod and laptop alone here right? MORE »
Since the policy for fraternity parties has changed this semester, many freshmen have been left wondering €œwhere am I gonna get my keystone buzz on and rub up against total strangers?€ Freshmen year without being crowded into the hot sweaty basement of a fraternity house and waking up in a “sober monitor” shirt (that you... MORE »
Roommates pet turtle making it hard for you to study in your dorm? Maybe this can help you pick your ideal study spot. Although who are we kidding.. it probably won’t. MORE »
No one shows up. MORE »
For those of you who were captivated by The Pyrimidines and had to go back for more with the Pyrimidines Supplement I and still felt uneasy…well… wait no more. It’s finally here.. the Pyrimidines Supplement II!!!!! It will answer all the questions that The Pyrimidines and the Pyrimidines Supplement I didn’t answer like: Who writes... MORE »
You see this picture and think “I’d like to have sex there”. #1 on the list of 161 things to do before you graduate Cornell is sex in the stacks, and as a student I can’t say I’m anymore immune to this than the rest of you.. show me a dark creepy hallway that looks... MORE »
Feeling unsafe during your late night walk home from the bars? Follow the lead of this collegetown house! Because seriously, what robber is going to risk being shot with a cannon? There’s no surviving that. MORE »
Can you imagine the carbon footprint on a Hummer big enough to fit a t-rex? Dinosaurs riding bikes are the best way to keep our campus green. MORE »
