Fellow Cornellians we have all had those weeks where we have packed up our lives and moved into one of the libraries here at Cornell.

We’re there for hours sometimes even days at a time studying and for some it is inevitable that we feel the urge to release ourselves and clear our minds.

Jerry Seinfeld discusses how our brains have two parts. The intelligence part and the part that is consumed by sex.

We can only go so long without thinking about it and then feeling that sensation, but we try to suppress it to keep our minds on studying, but now you don’t have to!

Here is a list of 5 tips to masturbating in the library:

1. The first is very obvious, but must be stated nonetheless, do NOT masturbate to anyone in the library with you. Yes, the girl sitting across from you is wearing a shirt that is way too low and she’s got her pencil in her mouth, but that does not mean it is okay. Use the image for later though, especially if you did not come equipped with materials. You will get caught. And you will get arrested.

2. Do not be distraught by the first tip there ARE places where you can express yourself freely, go to the stacks in the basement where they keep all the annals of Ancient Asian Civilizations. Besides for the fabulous privacy it can also be quite arousing.

3. Next make it quick. Do NOT try and keep it going. Although it may feel better to make it last, you’re setting yourself up for disaster. Also, study time wasted, and that is why you are jerking off in the stacks of Mann anyway right? Too much time lost to go all the way home.

4. Have a study group or study buddy with you at the library. WONDERFUL! They can either be a great look out and you can take turns OR a helping hand. No pun intended.

5. And lastly, although it may be tempting do NOT ejaculate into any book. Someone will open that book to that page one day and be very distressed and/or confused as to what they found. It’s just common courtesy, bring some tissues, napkins, a page from your notebook or even a sock or your t-shirt. But do NOT deface Cornell’s books with your seed.

So next finals week don’t be upset that you will be moving into your new home in Olin, or Uris or even Catherwood because now you know it doesn’t have to be all that bad.

If you have any other tips please feel free to add in a comment or in your own article!