Realizing that the semester’s end is rapidly approaching and
you are still holding onto your precious V-Card despite your best efforts? Then
you may be doing something terribly wrong. But don’t you worry if you’re male,
female, plankton, or can of Spam, these helpful tips will put you in right with
the opposite sex (literally).

 

Guys:

 

·     
Dress
Like You Care

You know that “Invader Zim” t-shirt that
you wear three times a week because it’s your favorite? Burn it. The only
reason a girl is going to want to tear that shirt off you is because of how
foul and disgusting it is.  Also,
my friend, it’s called a comb.

·     
Be Like
the Old Spice Guy

Confidence is key. When you’re going up to
talk to a girl, just imagine yourself as that guy from the Old Spice
commercials (and if you can do the voice/be on a horse, DO IT). But do you
think that guy has any problems getting laid? No. Why? Because he knows how to
present himself confidentially. Even if he does get turned down, it’s not going
to bug him because, well, she’s wrong.

·     
If At
First You Don’t Succeed, Move On

If a girl is really not giving you the time
of day, then it is not in your benefit to continue pursuing her. Continuously
trying force your conversation about what tracks really should have been on
Blink-182′s Greatest Hits album with her and all you’re seeing is the back of
her head is a sign that this one’s a goner and you should fine someone else.
Look around you, son, there are so many other women around you that chances are
that one of them will be turned on by your talk of Tim DeLonge and Mark Hoppus.
With that being said”¦

·     
Don’t
Talk About Blink-182

Regardless of whether you’re obsessed with
their new album or not, no girl is going to want to go back to your place only
to be expecting to get some while “Adam’s Song” plays in the background. Don’t
talk about your music tastes. Talk only about her. If she wants to go up to her
place and get it on to Adele, YOU DO IT.

·     
Be
Smarter Than the Condom

Condoms can be the last final test about
whether the P goes in the V, so don’t let it trip you up. How do you do that?
Be familiar with it. Don’t be afraid to do a test run with yourself the day
before that way you know how to accurately time the application of the
contraceptive. And it helps save time with the clean up afterwards. But
seriously, if you feel stupid then, just think about how stupid you’re going to
be in front of girl who’s waiting for you to figure this last step out.
Disappointing.

 

Girls:

·     
If He’s
Cute, Say Yes




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