Many will take the opportunity today to run drunk through the grand waterworks that call this campus home. You, however, are more thoughtful and poetic than the average bear. You will seize the opportunity for these to really mean something – and you will find here that each fountain carries the power to symbolize very specific events in your college history.
Paul J and Steve Lerner contributed to this article.
EVK Fountain
Much like you your freshman year, it’s
periodically filled with bits of EVK food and no one ever sits by it. Make this
a part of your run to thank god it’s not freshman year anymore.
Bonus points – Ignore whichever EVK patrons you
may see alone in the area – they need to learn about the cruelty of the world
somehow, just like you did.
Youth Triumphant
The centerpiece of Saved By The Bell: The College Years’ title sequence (no, seriously, it is), this fountain represents your nostalgia for things that weren’t actually that good in the first place, like cramped dorm room parties, dining hall desserts, and that person from your floor who was sooooo hot.
Bonus points – Remind your companions how awesome it was when you figured out how to play beer pong in your dorm room (SO awesome!).
Leavey Reflecting Pool
After your fragile heart was broken roughly one and a half times, you gave up and came to look for love interests on a quantity over quality basis (as many do). Commemorate your slutty period – there’s room for everyone in here!
Bonus points – Pack as many people as you can convince to splash in, but tell yourself somehow that no one’s noticing.
Douglas Fairbanks
Like so many regrettable hookups before him, this bronze fellow will always be there with a stiff, awkward grin as you pass him on the way to class. Include him in your route as thanks for the ones who at least gave you that much.
Bonus points ““ Whisper, as you leave, that you know it meant something to him too.
Gold Mom
That flashy new girl you dated sophomore year;
your friends called her “a tacky eyesore” (because they were
jealous). You’ve forgotten about her by now anyways, but it’d be fun to take a
dip for old times’ sake.
Bonus points – OK OK, your friends call her
“a tacky eyesore” and most everyone calls this fountain Gold Mom, but
bonus points if you remember either of their actual names, given that you ever
knew. Which you did not.
Finger Fountain
Remember when you finally got that great group of friends together, but they didn’t make space for you in the apartment next year and you went out with middle fingers a-blazin’? That was terrible.
Bonus points ““ Whatever you see fit to illustrate the fact that you haven’t matured at all during this four-year supposed transition into adulthood.
The Inverted Fountain
You went out with your old RA and it was an epic
high-five-worthy triumph (and your ill-advised first love) until you realized she
was a giant emotional black hole of a lady who’d never let things out once they
got pulled under. Squirrels, children, and men stronger than yourself have all
drowned similarly in the center of this fountain.
Bonus points – Drunk dial her at this part of
the run ““ time doesn’t heal some wounds. Some sociopathic, gorgeous, brunette
wounds.
The Low Point
There came a time where it seemed that everywhere
you turned was failure: kept getting shot down, kicked out of parties, grades
weren’t so hot, adulthood seemed terrifying, your roommates kept yelling
something about dishes, that wang who seemed to be in all your major classes
was always way smarter than you. This fountain, sunken below ground level and
not often seen, stands for your retreat into blankets and buckets of Dreyer’s.
Bonus points – You don’t ever have to return to
this one, but acknowledge it with a nod as you pass it to bigger and better
feet-wetting opportunities.
The Geyser
This fountain really aptly represents that night
you decided to stop drinking for a while. By the time you finished horrifying
your roommates and those girls from discussion you invited to your apartment,
your name became a verb synonymous with projectile vomiting. Those blotches on
the carpet will always be there to remind you.
Bonus points – Take a moment to say a prayer to
the patron saint of Friends Who Take Care of Your Drunk Ass.
The Mudd Hall of Philosophy Fountain
You, too, fell briefly to the insufferable
stereotype that is the Half-Informed College Kid, which unfortunately coincided
with the three weeks that one spring where you were a huge stoner. Anything
anyone could talk about, you could talk better; any opinion they had, you could
opinion better than them. The rules and regulations of society
hadn’t yet met a mind as open and fat with knowledge as yours, and it’s a
wonder people weren’t literally dropping to their knees in prayer in thanks for
your generously showing them the way.
Bonus points – Make sure everyone knows how much
water these fountains waste, just being on like this, and
deliver a swift shutdown to your friend complaining about the glass he stepped
on because most people in the world can’t afford shoes, or glass, you
insensitive bourgeois pig.
The Old Fountain
Feel free to take a bit of a whiz in this one, as revenge for all the times you passed its awkwardly trickling streams and suddenly had the urge to go.
Bonus points – Don’t.
The Twin Fountains
You did it, finally – the sweet personal success
of having a two-peas-in-a-pod friendship with another awesome person at this
school. A best friend, even. And, sure, it became quickly apparent when you two
got that close that they were just a little smarter, and better at talking to
girls, and more emotionally stable, and had less Cheeto dust wedged permanently
into their cuticles. But you were able to (at least outwardly) overcome this by
not being that big of a dick about it.
Bonus points – Plan, rehearse, and prepare to
ensure your fountain run costume and victory dancing are more awesome than
theirs because you have to win at something.
The Graduate
This is it. This fountain represents right now – the end. You made it. You too will walk secretly naked under a huge black robe and accept the piece of paper that is the culmination of your last four years of successes, failures, embarrassments, loves, hates, terrible decisions, and terrible decisions that made awesome stories.
Bonus points – Toss in some coins and make a wish. Besides looking at them, this is the only way adults are permitted to enjoy fountains (no more running drunk and barefoot through them, after today) and what’s some spare change on top of the $200k that got you here?
