When I was a kid, my mom took me to see a production of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Jesus Christ Superstar. After
that, I thought I knew absolutely everything there was to know about
Jesus. It was easy! The hippie Jews thought he was the shit, sang
Hosanna! a bunch of times, and eventually went all “oh shit” when the
Romans found out. Judas was black and had a ‘fro. Mary Magdalene was
super chill and sang the best songs, and eventually was like the only
one who cared as Jesus got nailed to the cross. But in the end, it’s
totally cool, because Jesus rose and the entire gospel choir broke out
into the main theme singing “Jesus Christ, Suuuuuperstaaaar!”

But now there’s a problem, because the musical is all about adult Jesus. Christmas is the guy’s birth! THERE IS NOT A BROADWAY MUSICAL TO TEACH ME ABOUT THIS. There is only Kristen Stewart : 

as the token Jew girl, I used to play trumpet for Christmas morning
services every year. After all, I was always available. It was a pretty
sweet gig ““ play some chorales, sit down, play some more, sit back down.
But I always expected to hear the freaking nativity story! Instead, I
was just repeatedly instructed to praise Jesus and thank God for giving
his son to me. That was all nice and stuff, but still didn’t really tell
me anything…

so. I obviously need to figure this out. I’ve always been a bit
confused on the details of Christmas, but here is what I’ve gathered
over the years:

1. Jesus was a baby?

He lived in a tent with his dad Joseph Christ and his mom Mary Christ,
who creepily had the same first name as the lady he shacked up with as
adult Jesus.

3. But before he was born, Mary was all virgin-y. As in like Joseph never got laid.

4. Okay, but if Joseph and Mary were married, why didn’t they have sex? And is Joseph really considered Jesus’ dad?

5. I thought God was his dad? Okay sorry, I’m getting off topic.

6. So, some dude or angel or whatever came and told Mary that she was preggers. What!!

7. Jesus the baby was born, and thus Christmas. I’m guessing “mas” means “birthday of” in some language. Probably Nazarethian.

There’s some kind of “holy ghost” that plays into all of this. So this
is like a “good ghost”? Except for Casper, aren’t ghosts supposed to be
scary? Has the bible seen American Horror Story?!

Where does Santa come in? I have a feeling he’s like old jolly Jesus
from an alternate timeline that decided to have some fun with all this
and give people presents.

happened, this holiday turned out to be pretty awesome. Seriously. If
it weren’t for Christmas, Hanukkah presents would not exist, and I would
have never expanded my Beanie Babies collection by 8 every single year.
There would be no Christmas songs, and no lights, and things would get
pretty boring pretty fast on television.

thanks Jesus. I’m not really sure on all the details of your life, but I
hope you have a freaking awesome birthday. As usual, everyone will be
celebrating with you! Well, I’ll be celebrating from the inside of the
Regal Cinemas after a gloriously disgusting buffet of Chinese food.