After today’s announcement by Linn State College that it will drug test every student on campus,  officials at the school were adamant about the statute, citing drug tests that will inevitably occur post-college in the workplace.

Several other universities decided to follow the precedent established by Linn State, leading to a mass exodus of students at schools like Ohio State University, SUNY Albany, and University of Florida.

Many students were confused when their respective presidents announced the coming changes, which include urine tests for marijuana, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy and, worst of all for most students, Adderall.

“What do they mean “drug test?'” asked Dominique Watson, who was clearly stoned out of his mind. “Weed isn’t a drug is it? Cause, like, my friend, uh, Frominique, he smokes weed and I’m worried that I””I mean he””might get kicked out or something.”

One campus in particular, which opted not to be mentioned in this article, was in a completely different situation altogether. On this particular campus, 94% of the student population is regular Adderall users. After the announcement, the entire campus was forced to discontinue use of the drug, leading to a makeshift assembly in the quad where hundreds of students wept until they fell asleep.

According to expert estimation, 73% of the student population at schools enacting these mandatory drug tests will drop out, leaving them without a college degree, which will inevitably lead to homelessness, joblessness and rampant drug use.

Kinda ironic when you think about it.


Anyone can learn how to tell if someone is on drugs by studying the different signs and symptoms of drug addiction, as detailed in numerous online resources.

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