Facebook continued to roll out its new “Timeline” design this week, giving user profiles a scrapbook-like, year-to-year breakdown of their activity on the social networking site. With this update, users now have much easier access to older content, particularly their own humiliating status updates and photos dating as far back as the website’s inception.
“I can’t believe how much of a loser tenth-grade me was,” said senior Travis Felder. “After getting the new Timeline, I thought it’d be a cool kind of social time capsule; a fun glimpse into my past digital identity. But it’s not fun at all – it’s horrifically embarrassing.”
Felder was especially disturbed by a series of status updates he posted in 2007 after his first girlfriend dumped him.
“Oh God, what was I thinking?” Felder said. “My Chemical Romance lyrics in my statuses, self-taken shirtless bathroom pics with weird captions in illegible fonts, more My Chemical Romance lyrics, and a few posts threatening to delete my Facebook altogether, which I obviously never followed up on.”
“I can’t believe I was ever such a pathetic, whiny attention whore,” Felder concluded.
Felder was also distraught at reading his own all-caps tirades every time Facebook updated its layout or added new features. “THIS ‘NEW FACEBOOK’ THING IS BULLSHIT!” Felder wrote in a 2008 Facebook group protesting the site’s changes. The group’s description read: “JOIN THIS GROUP IF YOU WANT TO BOYCOTT THE NEW FACEBOOK.”
“Holy shit, how did I not see the irony in making a Facebook group protesting Facebook? It’s not like I pay a dime for the site anyway. It’s actually unfathomable how much of a bratty, entitled fucking idiot I was.”
Now that he has experienced the utter humiliation of his own past-self, Travis Felder wants Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg to know how sincerely sorry he is for being such an annoying little twat for all these years. “I’m sorry, everyone. I don’t even like My Chemical Romance anymore. I deeply regret my actions, but you know what? Nobody would’ve seen them if Timeline never existed, so once again it’s all Facebook’s fault.”