Dear DPS,

What do you guys do anyway? I mean, besides stand around guarding our Mayfest from non-existent potential intruders…?

I really don’t understand it when I call at 4am needing an escort to South Campus, and you tell me that you CAN’T drive me there, but you CAN drive me to College Place where I can wait another hour for the Warehouse bus which may or may not come.

I started walking home alone thinking you were understaffed until I noted about 6 DPS vehicles pass me going from South to Main and Main to South… patrolling. That’s when learning inequalities in 3rd grade actually helped me understand something. Patrolling empty streets > Students.

Please, enlighten me on what exactly “patrolling” entails and what’s so important about it because it seems like you just ridin’ dirty. Oh, I know! Patrollers must have psychic powers and can foresee which South Campus apartment will be robbed next, and thus must be out there until that moment strikes. In that case, why don’t you send me a hard copy of your “patrolling” schedule so I know when not to disturb you.

On my way back I managed to ignore a half-crazed woman who started talking to me and survive a mini-heart attack my shadow gave me which I thought was sex offender following me.

Then, I ran into a skunk. No, not skank (as those too, can be witnessed on campus), but a fucking SKUNK. It stood a foot away from me and stared me down while I felt my public safety being threatened like never before. It was like the time Simba from The Lion King turned around to see that gigantic herd of antelope coming at him. Only, there was no Mufasa or Zazoo to save me.

After I managed to scare the skunk away with minimal emotional and olfactory damage, I wondered, ‘Does DPS attend to skunk attacks?’

Yes. It’s probably on their list of priorities, right above escorting students home.

True story.

Your #34,614th fan.