THE MOST DEPRESSING PLACE EVER, BUMBLEFUCK— Syracuse University student Chris Davis was hospitalized due to hypothermia brought on by exposure to freezing temperatures Sunday morning while walking back to his apartment because the Department of Public Safety refused to offer transportation.

At about 2 p.m. Monday afternoon, the Syracuse Police Department received a call from Davis’ roommate to file a missing person report. Davis was last seen going at a party on main campus Saturday night and did not return to his South Campus apartment that night. Five hours after the report was filed, Davis was found under seven feet of snow on Comstock Avenue near the Manley Field House. He was rescued after combined efforts of the Syracuse Police Department, search dogs, helicopters, an all-terrain vehicle, CNY marine coast unit and Syracuse Fire Department.

Davis, who is currently being treated at SUNY Upstate Medical Hospital, does not remember how he became lodged under so much snow. All he recalls is being shut down by DPS.

“Dear Mister I’m-too-good-to-call-or-drive-my-vans,” said Davis, rapping his rendition of the song ‘Stan’ by Eminem. “I waited in the blistering cold for you, for 55 minutes and you just said ‘No’!”

Davis reports that he called DPS for a ride back to his apartment at 3 a.m. after he missed the last South Campus bus which left at 2:50 a.m.

“They told me that I would have to wait 55 minutes and that I might as well call a taxi,” Davis yelled. “REDICULOUS. THATS THE WHOLE POINT OF WHY I CALLED DPS!!! I HAD NO MONEY FOR A TAXI, DUMB FUCKS!!”

Davis waited for DPS while it was 12 degrees out (-8 degrees with wind chill) and DPS never showed. Fifty-five minutes later, he decided that DPS didn’t really care about his public safety and started walking home. Davis claims that 17 DPS vehicles passed him on his expedition back to South and not one of them stopped to offer him a ride.

According to a document from an undisclosed source, there has been a tremendous increase of students that need a ride home after bus hours and the numbers have spiked an all time high, especially after the change made in the bus system where the last bus to run to South Campus is 2:50 a.m., compared to last year’s policy where the last bus run was at 3:30 a.m. This leaves students with the option to call DPS for a ride which, according to some students, is futile.

DPS is currently being investigated by the Syracuse Police department and other very important law enforcement people.

DPS declines to comment on the issue. Chancellor Nancy Cantor declines to commment on the issue. The Centro bus company declines to comment on the issue. CNY declines to comment on the issue.