Department of Safety officers at
Syracuse University discovered an underground black market for the distribution
of popular computer software ““ used primarily in Newhouse ““ after checking on a
South Campus apartment Monday afternoon.

DPS officers conducting a routine apartment check on Small Road were surprised
to find over a dozen students sitting in the living room, connected to external
hard drives and exchanging software. Software found on the confiscated laptops
and hard drives included Final Cut Express, Final Cut Pro and all the Adobe
Creative Suite 5.5 software.

of this is really unprecedented,” said DPS officer Curt Macintyre. “Normally,
we find people exchanging music or porn ““ nothing too bad. But this is
something on an entirely different level.”

discovery exposed a flourishing black market operating unbeknownst to Syracuse
University officials, with students sharing illegal copies of editing software
necessary for their classes but too expensive to purchase for use outside of
lab time.

totally understandable,” said sophomore advertising major Trish Patton, who
insisted that her copy of the Adobe Creative Suite was legally obtained. “We
need to be able to edit our projects at home. I can only spend so much time in
the labs before I run out of bottles to pee into.”

students echoed Patton’s sentiment.

dropped out of all my other classes last semester so I could spend my time in
the labs editing a video for a professor who literally threatened to throw
tomatoes at me if I walked into class with a shitty project,” said
television-radio-film senior Barry Lyndon. “My only regret is that I didn’t
find out about this black market thing sooner.”

has chosen not to make a public statement regarding the discovery, although certain
TRF students have slowly been complaining about professors assigning
documentaries and other projects based on the situation.

hope is to foster a stronger sense of exclusivity by keeping students in the
lab,” said a Newhouse official who chose to remain anonymous. “If they leave
Newhouse for extended periods of time, they run the risk of possibly
procreating with students from other colleges on campus.”

However, students and campus officials
alike can agree that Monday’s discovery eclipses that of the 2009 Beanie Baby
black market.