We all know that Wash U is the uncontested Harvard of the
Midwest (suck it Notre Dame! And Northwestern. And the University of Chicago. And
the University of Michigan.) Okay, so maybe it’s not completely uncontested. Believe
it or not, there are even more schools that jacked our moniker””Eastern Illinois
University, the Medical University of Ohio, Beloit, and Truman State also
consider themselves the Harvards of the Midwest (I know what you’re
thinking””Wash U was your second choice after Eastern Illinois. Go Panthers!)

But these injustices must not be
tolerated. After all, if anyone can call themselves the Harvard of something
else, aren’t we just pissing on the sanctity of the Harvard name (much like
Harvard students ritually piss on the statue of John Harvard in their main
quad?) And if we’re just urinating on the great institution we name-drop in our
analogies, can’t anyone? What’s stopping Fontbonne from calling themselves the
Harvard of Upper Wydown Boulevard? Why doesn’t Taco Bell run ads proclaiming
themselves the Harvard of Diarrhea?

We must work hard to become the
definitive Harvard of the Midwest. How? To emulate the original Harvard as best
we can. Old-money connections! Finals clubs! And someone at Wash U needs to
invent the next Facebook (go with me on this: a live-streaming video
communication website where men can go to masturbate on camera. Oh wait…I’m
being told Chat Roulette already exists. Zuckerberg!)

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the analogy
needs to go. What’s so great about Harvard anyway? It’s just the Harvard of Academia.
We at Wash U need to cultivate our own name-brand apart from the Ivies. So what
if we’re just a hop, skip and a jump from one of the most dangerous
neighborhoods in the country? So what if we lack the prestige of nearly 400
years of history? And so what if Emma Watson isn’t walking around campus and
hanging out in the library? (Okay, I’ll admit, that last one gave me a pretty
serious nerd-boner. Fuckin’ Brown.) But we must fight on, noble Bears (and Bearesses?) Go
forth and do our school proud. Write a book, become a CEO. Cure a terrible
disease (but not cancer, because I’m pretty sure Relay For Life would be pissed
you stole their thunder.) Do something great, and maybe they’ll make a movie
about you some day that puts our university on the map. Zuckerberg!

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