As the big day approaches ““ and by this I mean Christmas, not
the birth of your next child ““ you’ve become increasingly anxious about finding
the right gift. Not just any gift, but the most perfect of gifts for your
most perfect child. Yeah, I’m talking about the same kid that gets
trashed on Thursdays because they are thirsty, popped a few Adderall’s to
survive finals week, and tattooed Katy Perry “Last Friday Night” lyrics down
the entirety of their leg.
You’ve had to deal with this struggle more and more often as
your children grow up. Half-clothed Barbie’s and toy cars aren’t going to
cut it anymore. So what is something that would make a great gift to your
college kid? Here are a few possibilities to get your ideas flowing:”¨
Condoms. Unless you want to be a
grandparent any time soon, this is a great gift that satisfies both the
receiver and the giver. You as a parent don’t have to worry about any
little Bobby’s running around any time soon, and your son doesn’t have to pay
for them himself. While this may create an awkward situation around the
Christmas tree, just tell your kid that you understand their needs and move on.
Shot glasses. You know your kid
consumes certain fluids certain times of the week, but you don’t know what
they’re drinking out of! Who knows what disgusting vessels kids come up
with these days (Louisville Sluggers, anyone?). So as a parent, this gives
you some relief and also some control of your child’s life while they’re
away. You can make sure your kid drinks in style and that they also think
of you every time they take another shot.
Extra pairs of underwear. When
your kid gives you the “what the fuck” face after opening this present, just
shrug. Believe me, they’ll thank you later. Underwear is one of the
main commodities that are lost at college.
“¨Anything from the adult toy store. You want
your kid to be happy right? To have all their needs satisfied?
Well, instead of having them desperately fall into anyone’s bed, make it okay
for them to stay in their own beds ““ with their new toys. This also could
be handy preventing the spread of STI’s. So when your kid blushes and
stammers obscenely at the gift, don’t let it get to you. You know what
they’ll be doing later that night. Don’t forget that batteries aren’t included!
“¨New camera. And I’m not talking about just any old
camera. I’m talking about those cameras that make everyone look beautiful
““ those hideously expensive ones. This
way they can post hundreds of pictures of themselves on Facebook, have people
comment on how flawless they look, and give them that ego-boost they
need. Never mind the fact that they edited all their freckles out and
gave their cheeks an extra rosy glow through Photoshop. “¨ “¨
Breathalyzer. Still want to get your
kid a toy? This will be more than satisfactory.
Last but not least, search
the bookstores. Find the book that will answer all of your
hormone-crazed, emotionally needy child’s questions on how to understand the
opposite sex. This mystery has no doubt been written about, so find what looks
like the most reliable and give it to your kid. They need all the help
they can get, trust me.
“¨So now that you have gifts in mind, shop away! I promise,
these are bound to make this year’s Christmas one to remember.