The results are in and, for the first time in its history,
Marist College is atop the list of schools in the United States, according to
U.S. News & World Report. While its academic department was ranked 10th
in the northern United States, Marist faculty are most proud of a different
achievement: 5th in the country in whiteness.


“This is something for which we’ve been striving for quite
some time, and now that this day is here, we’re all very excited,” said Marist
President Dennis Murray. “You never know how it’s going to feel until it’s
there, and, well”¦I’m speechless, really.”


Ahead of Marist in the poll were Northern Iowa University,
Wyoming Institute of Technology, University of Vermont, and, the whitest of
all, Jimmy Bryant College.


“To be fair,” argued Murray, “I don’t see how Jimmy Bryant
College can be included if this is to be a fair poll. I mean, it’s a school
that was founded last year by one guy! The only people enrolled there are Jimmy
Bryant and his friend Dan, both of whom are white!” Added Murray, “As far as
I’m concerned, we’re 4th whitest in the nation.”