Marist College Tops National Rankings

The results are in and, for the first time in its history,
Marist College is atop the list of schools in the United States, according to
U.S. News & World Report. While its academic department was ranked 10^th
in the northern United States, Marist faculty are most proud of a different
achievement: 5^th in the country in whiteness.

“This is something for which we’ve been striving for quite
some time, and now that this day is here, we’re all very excited,” said Marist
President Dennis Murray. “You never know how it’s going to feel until it’s
there, and, well”¦I’m speechless, really.”

Ahead of Marist in the poll were Northern Iowa University,
Wyoming Institute of Technology, University of Vermont, and, the whitest of
all, Jimmy Bryant College.

“To be fair,” argued Murray, “I don’t see how Jimmy Bryant
College can be included if this is to be a fair poll. I mean, it’s a school
that was founded last year by one guy! The only people enrolled there are Jimmy
Bryant and his friend Dan, both of whom are white!” Added Murray, “As far as
I’m concerned, we’re 4^th whitest in the nation.”