On Tuesday, fifteen students in the computer science program
suffered simultaneous panic attacks when Lauren Hawking enrolled in a computer
science class, becoming the first girl to ever do so.

Hawking claims that she was oblivious to her trailblazing
ways, stating, “I just like working with computers. I didn’t mean to cause any

Sean Brennan, a sophomore computer science major, claims
that he “couldn’t breathe and felt like the sun was right on [his] face.” He
and his peers instantly got up from their seats and ran to the water fountain
to splash cold water on their faces. One student, though, William Landers, was
unable to get up from his seat due to a medical condition known as “penis
erectus.” He was later transported to the hospital when, after seven hours, his
condition had not improved.

“I don’t know what it was,” said Landers. “I think I was
just taken by surprise. I didn’t even look at her, I just sort of smelled her
and”¦well”¦uh”¦yeah. I couldn’t get up. I mean, stand up. You know what I mean”¦”

Lauren Hawking, meanwhile, was forced to drop the class and
swap for a psychology class. Lowell Thomas will henceforth have a sign in front
reading, “No Girls Allowed.”