Yo yo yo! Whasup, my linjas? Is that racist? Shit, if that’s
racist, I’m sorry, dawgs. My b. But I’ve got a wicked case of Lin fever. Like,
I went to the hospital and they said I had a 103º fever, “most likely caused by
a venereal disease.” Which I’m assuming is doctor-speak for Linsanity. Give it
to me straight, doc, I ain’t no pre-meddie.
So it’s prezidents weekend. I’ve never understood what that
means ““ something about mourning the tree Honest Abe cut down when he was
little to build his Lincoln Log cabin? Who gives a shit about trees, son? Three
nights of drinking, bro! Doc gave me a Rx for that shit: start off with a few
Sparks, chase them with some Nattie, finish wit a spoonful of poonful. Oh, and
something else called penis-illin’, cause my d*ck is ill, son! Linsanity
disease!
Problem is, I try go get my boyz to come out last night, hit
up da club, sip on some bub, pre-game to Flub: Flubber ““ shit’s my jam, son! That little green shit reminds me of
Gak, y’all remember that shit? Love that stuff. “Cept for the time I ate it.
That was some sticky shit. Literally. Like, it wouldn’t flush. Rabbi told my
moms not to let me bring it to Torah studies after that. No bigz.
Anyway, I digest. So my boyz is being all lame, tryina play
like they all Point Dexters; only cereal these ninjas is killin’ be Life, cause
they ain’t livin’ if they ain’t drinkin’ wit J-Bone, ain’t no Dexters in my
clan. But they frontin’, and their all up in da liberry, readin’ and shit. So I
figure, whatevs, I’ll hit up the liberry wit em, maybe pick up a book, impress
some biddies wit some Shakespeer, be they Romeo, you no, you no. Then I see
this fine piece of tale, Hannah Minkowitz, and this girl is Nicki Minaj hot!
Except she’s a white poly-sci major. Plus, she’s a member of da tribe, and if I
ain’t rollin’ wit da tribe, my moms is all, “Jacob, I don’t understand why you
can’t settle down with a nice girl like your brother, David. Find a nice girl,
bring her over for Shabat, I’ll make Kugel!” And I’m all, “I don’t understand
why you’s such a bitch, moms!”
“Cept I didn’t say that. Don’t tell her I pretended to,
neither, she’ll beat my ass. So I ask Hannah to come back to my place to do da
nasty. And she’s all, “Don’t I know you from the Chabad house?” Nobody forgets
J-Bone, dog! No bigs. So she’s sittin’ on my bed and I’m makin’ mad moves, son,
sippin’ some apple juice, munchin’ on Veggie Chips, and next thing I
know”¦Linsanity, son! We ain’t hook up or nothin’, but she seen my Flubber DVD and we watched the shit out of it! Baby steps son, errbody
knows Flubber leads to dat coitus,
#LKF, son: #LittleKnownFact.
So I guess the liberry ain’t so bad. Picked up a biddie, got
my snack on, got our flub on. Next stop: Promised Land, bitches!
Until next time, my linjas.
J-Nasty
