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Entire Campus Too Drunk to Attend Football Game
Saturday was like any other day at Marist. Birds were chirping. The wind was blowing at approximately 104 mph. And everyone was sippin’ on the finest of brews: Natural Light. The difference on this fated Saturday, October 1, was that certain people didn’t know where to draw the line. And by “certain people,” I mean... MORE »
Route 9 Bridge Delayed for 149th Time
Yet again, the plan to build a bridge over Route 9 has been pushed back. The plan originated in early 1971, when a record-setting 528 students were killed while attempting to cross the super-highway. Originally, the building was delayed due to a heavy rain season, and each year since something has arisen to postpone the... MORE »
Business Capping Course Eliminated
Due to an unprecedented number of complaints, the capping course has been removed from the requirements for business majors. Surveys indicate that 94% of business majors felt that the capping course was “too much work.” The course, in which students analyze a company and then write a paper about their findings, was deemed “far too... MORE »
Student Suspended in Air Due to Hudson River Winds
On Thursday afternoon, Michelle Davies was suspended in the air for more than three hours because of an especially strong gust of wind coming off the Hudson River. Suspended more than forty feet in the air, Davies flew across the entire campus until, after three hours, the wind died down and she was able to... MORE »
Coach Martin Looks to Replicate Successful One-Win Season
In a recent press conference, Red Foxes men’s basketball coach Chuck Martin stated that he aimed to “do the exact same thing next year” as his team did this year. In the 2009-2010 season, the Red Foxes were 1-29, with the one victory coming in conference play, along with 17 of the losses. “We did... MORE »
Athletic Director Discovers Marist Has a Men’s Basketball Team
On Tuesday afternoon, AD Collin Sullivan was shocked when a man in a warm-up suit entered his office and claimed he played for the men’s basketball team. “Whose men’s basketball team?” asked Sullivan, completely perplexed. Up to this point, Sullivan, like many other Marist faculty members and students, had been completely unaware that the Red... MORE »
Back Street Voted Filthiest Establishment in Poughkeepsie, World
It’s official. A recent edition of the New York Times voted Back Street Pub the “filthiest establishment in all of Poughkeepsie.” The article went on to indicate that, if all goes according to plan, Back Street will soon be up for the Filthiest Establishment in the World Award. Back Street owner Kevin Charles said, “It’s... MORE »
How to Drop a Class
Step 1: Fill out a drop form Step 2: Sign the drop form Step 3: Bring the form to the chairperson of your department for his signature. Step 3a: Figure out who the chairperson of your department is. Step 3b: Discover that the chairperson is away for the week and that no one in... MORE »
Computer Science Students Suffer Simultaneous Heart Attacks
On Tuesday, fifteen students in the computer science program suffered simultaneous panic attacks when Lauren Hawking enrolled in a computer science class, becoming the first girl to ever do so. Hawking claims that she was oblivious to her trailblazing ways, stating, “I just like working with computers. I didn’t mean to cause any problems.” Sean... MORE »