Saturday was like any other day at Marist. Birds were chirping. The wind was blowing at approximately 104 mph. And everyone was sippin’ on the finest of brews: Natural Light.
The difference on this fated Saturday, October 1, was that certain people didn’t know where to draw the line. And by “certain people,” I mean the entire 5,854-person campus.
“I don’t know how it happened,” said Matt Davies, a junior biology major. “I mean, I didn’t do anything different. I woke up, found my pants in a tree outside, said “Fuck it,’ and started drinkin’ in my birthday suit,” adding, “Except somehow I ended up blacking out and missing the game.”
According to Marist officials, this is the first time in the history of Marist athletics that the entire stadium was empty during a game. Instead of attending the game against Jacksonville, potential attendees were discovered stumbling down Fulton Street, pissing on the side of the library, and even drunkenly attempting to help in the construction of the Route 9 underpass, which everyone knows will never get finished anyway.
Despite the abhorrent lack of filled seats at Tenney Stadium, Marist athletics officials were not too taken aback.
“To be honest, it’s not that surprising,” said Director of Athletics Tim Murray. “If I had a choice between watching our football team and”¦well, anything else”¦Wait, is this on the record?”