Last week, Marist officials announced that the SAT, one of
the most grueling tests to ever grace a high school student, will no longer be
relevant with regard to Marist’s admissions process.


Many current Marist students, who had to study for weeks to
get a score proficient enough to be admitted to Marist College, are frustrated
by the news.


“It’s bullshit,” said Mark Joseph, a sophomore who eked his
way into Marist with a 1560 SAT. “I studied my ass off for that test. Hell, I
threw up when I got out of there. And now these assholes coming in don’t have
to do shit.”


Said one prospective Marist student, “Man, they ain’t gon’
matter SAT score get me cause I smart as hell, shit. Don’t matter score, matter
intelligents and extracurriquler.”


Marist officials are also rumored to be expanding their new
policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” to earlier years of a student’s life.


“We at Marist don’t see any reason to prohibit students from
attending our school just because they can’t spell or speak or color inside the
lines,” said President Dennis Murray. “We’re like the America of universities:
we’ll take the worst you’ve got.”


Added Murray, “We really, really need money.”