Last week, Marist students received an email about an
anonymous girl who was robbed after entering a car she didn’t recognize full of
guys she had never met before. This is only one of many similar events to transpire
in recent months, all of which happened to anonymous students.


In fact, studies show that 100% of crimes occur to students
who refuse to give their names.


“I just don’t understand it,” said John Gildard, Director of
Marist Security. “How do these criminals know to target people who want to be


Most likely, the criminals are aware that Anonymies (as they
like to be called) are far dumber than most, participating in acts such as
getting into cars they don’t recognize, leaving their front doors wide open
after leaving their houses, showing their wallets off to complete strangers in
a back alleyway, and screaming out their social security numbers and bank
account information in public places.


“The one helpful thing for us,” says Gildard, “is that we
know who the targets are going to be. It seems like criminals never target
anyone with a name, it’s always someone who wishes to remain anonymous. So, we
just need to find every student on campus who doesn’t want to give his or her
name, and warn them that they may be the next target.” Added Gildard, “It
shouldn’t be too hard to find them, we’ll just look for the students doing dumb


One student, who wished to remain anonymous, began to
comment on this article when he was robbed at gunpoint. Sources say he noticed
a group of men in hooded sweatshirts walking by and approached them while
carrying fistfuls of money and screaming, “No one knows I’m here, you can do
whatever you want to me!”