Due to recent events, John Gildard, head of Marist Security,
has announced that the penalty for illegal parking will now be more severe.
Previously, a parking ticket resulted in a $25 fine. Now, however, the
perpetrator will be forced to pay a $400 fine, and will have to sign their
vehicle over to Marist Security.


“I wish I didn’t have to do this,” said Gildard. “But these
little fuckers don’t understand how serious it is to park illegally. I mean,
what if someone with a legitimate pass wants to park in the exact spot where
someone is parked illegally, but they can’t because the spot’s full? Next thing
you know, Mr. Legitimate has to look for another spot when BAM, a semi hits him
going 95 mph in the parking lot. True story. These illegal parking jobs are
causing hundreds of deaths like this every day.”


Students, however, are a bit skeptical of Gildard and the
security team. “How the fuck does someone get hit going 95 mph in a parking
lot?” asked one logical student, Joseph DiMarco.


“We’re just looking out for the safety of the Marist College
campus,” said Gildard. “It’s my duty. When I swore allegiance to my country, I
swore to protect people. And if that means that I have to tackle a student into
the sidewalk and bust his face open because he jaywalked, so be it.”