White sorority girls across campus are celebrating Dwayne Carter Jr, AKA Lil Wayne’s
release from Riker’s Island jail this morning. At around 9 am on November 4th, Weezy was
freed after serving eight months of a one year gun sentence (not sure
what happened to those other four months), during which he mysteriously
released an entire new album and was featured in several other rappers’
music videos despite being in “solitary confinement.”

So what does Dwayne Carter Jr’s new freedom mean for Ivy League
sorostitutes? “I feel like I identify with Weezy’s music more than
anyone I know – I, too, wanna thug, and I too pop bottles in the club.
We were meant to be…if you’re reading this, call me so I can make it
juicy for you, Dwayne!” said Kortney Shlitz ’12. When asked how she
thought Wayne’s behavior would differ during the probationary period,
Shlitz asked if “probationary” was another word for “monogrammed
stationary.” Her friend, who wishes to remain anonymous, interrupted
Shlitz by proclaiming that “Weezy’s containment has sparked an epidemic
of jungle fever within our house, and let me tell you, now that he is
free I am READY TO POUNCE!!!”

Other fans donned leggings and “Free Weezy” t-shirts throughout the
Arts Quad, showing their support for their beloved rapper while also
maintaining their unique sense of style. “I once saw Lil Wayne at Nassau
Colisseum in 10th grade, and it completely changed my life,” gushed
Dianne Tuckey, ’13. “I was touched by the teardrops that he tattooed
onto his face. It was like he had been crying from the beauty of his
music, but once he was out of tears, he wanted to show the world that
his emotions were still intact. He’s such a beautiful human being and
I’m so happy that he’s out of jail and has access to a computer again –
his tweets go straight to my BBM notifications so I can know immediately
when he says things like ‘welkome
to my department store of love,where 1 size fits all.’ No one but him
can say such deep, inspirational things like that, and it really helps
me get through my week.”

Despite this rainy November day and the fact that no one seems to
remember that Uggs are not and never will be waterproof, there is
obviously a feeling of optimism in the air as young women like these
trek to their Comm classes. We here at BigRedMyCampus salute these girls
– it is you who remind us that within Weezy there will always be a
glimmering light of hope. With lyrics such as “yeah I’m a bear like black and white hair, so I’m polar” (Phone Home, 2008) and “my biceps and triceps is ass” (Mo Fire, 2006), it is you that somehow answers our question of whether or not Wayne is illiterate or just mentally ill. For now, we’ll just go with the latter.