First Reggie Bush, now Dr. Henry Heimlich.


For those unaware, Reggie Bush’s 2005 Heisman Trophy was
recently forfeited due to allegations of illegal recruitment by the University
of Southern California.


Now, more committees are investigating awards endowed upon
other individuals. Most recently, the Lasker Foundation has looked into Cornell
University’s recruitment of Henry Heimlich, famous for his invention of the
Heimlich Maneuver for which he received the Lasker Award in 1984.


“We discovered that Dr. Heimlich’s enrollment at Cornell
University was no accident,” said Maria Freire, President of the Albert and
Mary Lasker Foundation. “Our source indicates that Heimlich was the recipient
of countless gifts, including a Ferrari, a mansion in Beverly Hills and more
than $400,000 in cash.”


Heimlich, who graduated from Cornell in 1941, has refused to
acknowledge the allegations.


“Man, this is total bullshit,” said Heimlich. “I didn’t do
anything wrong and I stand by that.” Added Heimlich, “This is some racist shit
right here.”


Cornell officials, however, are not exactly denying the
Lasker Foundation’s findings.


“I wasn’t exactly in charge back then,” says current Cornell
president David Skorton, “but I remember back in the “30s, Cornell had a SICK
team of scientists. No one could touch them. Now it makes sense: they were
recruiting illegally. I’m ashamed for our university, for our students, and for


Sources say that the 1984 Lasker Award, provided to
scientists to honor advancements in the prevention of death and disease, will
now be awarded to the inventors of Slope Day.