Obama Admits to Being Muslim Antichrist, Sets End of World Date

Article by drewthegoose November 7, 2012

President Obama announced Wednesday that he really is the Antichrist and also happens to be a socialist Islamic terrorist, and set a date for the end of the world. Just after being reelected Tuesday night, the president addressed his hometown of Chicago, Ill., where he revealed his not-so-shocking secret. “It is true, my fellow Americans,... MORE »

Article by rkrieg
October 16, 2012

Academia Never Sleeps

As the much-anticipated sweater weather season and the equally-exciting midterms season have finally come upon us, the natural habitat of the WashU student has shifted dramatically. On a late night studying for midterms, you might ask yourself, as I do, what is this new territory of academia and imprisonment? Of studies and dungeons? Of all-nighters and... MORE »

Article by rkrieg
January 18, 2012

Doomsday in a College Setting: Practical Information and Advice

Hello Campus Basement readers, and welcome to 2012. According to the always accurate Mayan calendar, we have finally reached the end of days. Soon, the sky will collapse in on us, painfully crushing every living human soul while leaving our planet a mere particle of dust with no evidence of past life forms and certainly no evidence of last... MORE »

Article by Rud
September 19, 2011

Syracuse Leaves Big East for Onondaga County Middle School League

    It was announced this weekend that Syracuse University has applied for and been accepted into the prestigious Onondaga County Middle School League for all major sports. Instead of lackluster teams such as Georgetown and UConn, Syracuse will now be facing off against national powerhouses such as Henninger Middle School and the Derek Zoolander School... MORE »

Article by Leah Folta
March 19, 2012

Parents refuse another bailout though sophomore says she is “too big to fail”

“I made a bad business decision. I understand that now,” an anonymous* student** says, of the six months’ food money she spent this week on airplane tickets, tequila, sunscreen, Mexican-jail-bribe money and large amounts of cocaine (“as a joke!” she insists, rolling her eyes). “I am an institution! In my hall, in my study groups,... MORE »

Article by Kevin Slack
February 14, 2012

Ugly Girl Keeps Talking About Hatred of Valentine’s Day; Is Ignored

Junior anthropology major Beatrice Florsheim (a 4.5 at best) announced Tuesday to anyone within earshot of her loud, insufferable, howler-monkey-esque voice that she hates Valentine’s Day. “I prefer to call it ‘Singles Awareness Day,” she told reporters who were too busy paying attention to attractive people, before she burst into a hearty guffaw. Experts say... MORE »

Article by Piliour
February 13, 2010

SU Officials Schedule Semi-Annual Closing of University Avenue

Just as they have done so many times in the past, officials at Syracuse University announced today that they plan to shut down University Avenue in the near future. Sources say that once the street has been closed, it will remain that way for at least a month. When such instances have occurred in the... MORE »

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August 20, 2011
Article by Kevin Cardoni
January 23, 2012

Giants Kicker Thrilled to Keep Job, Not Be Publicly Ostracized

After what can only be described as a rousing roll in the mud, the New York Giants have won their way into this year’s Super Bowl. For those of you who didn’t see the game, or are not within screaming distance of any football fans, the game was decided in overtime by a Laurence Tynes... MORE »

Article by apost
November 7, 2011

Recent Study Finds Cornell Cool Complex (CCC) Begins in Sophomore Year

The CCC has been speculated about amongst social scientists at Cornell University for many years. Until now the complex has never been able to be understood or analyzed seeing as the onset has been unclear. No longer do we have to merely hypothesize! “There seems to be an existing trend in some of the undergraduate... MORE »