Cornell to Buy Joe Paterno Statue for $10 Million

Article by maxmartinez July 30, 2012

With all the drama that just occurred, Penn State was fined $60 million dollars by the NCAA, with all proceeds going to charities benefitting abused children. To pay for this fine without affecting tuition costs for current students, Penn State held a silent auction for the legendary Joe Paterno statue on Monday. The winning bid... MORE »

Article by Anonymous
September 14, 2010

Drunk Student Found With Knife”¦and Fork

An intoxicated student was found sitting by the bathrooms in the Hall of Languages early Monday morning, screaming “I’m so fucking hungry!” Apparently the student, Jeff Gaffstater, was still wasted from Juice Jam. “They ran out of food at the Jam, so I be hungry today still, and drink still, so brought I brought my... MORE »

Article by Homegrizzown
March 5, 2011

UB Fan Kills Falcon With Car, Plans to Use Mother’s Homemade Recipe

In the spirit of March Madness, UB fan and Buffalo native Clyde McHale stands as one of UB’s most die hard fans, despite not having a high school education or any real affiliation with the University.  He claims to be a lifetime fan of UB, especially basketball all of his life.  “My kids grew up... MORE »

Article by Piliour
September 8, 2010

Class of 2014 Expected to Gain Freshman Sixteen

Because of a variety of internal and external factors, it’s rumored that members of the Class of 2014 are expected to gain one pound more than their predecessors, turning the Freshman 15 into the Freshman 16.   One major factor in this increase in fatness is the location of freshman dorms. Ernie Davis has its... MORE »

Article by Piliour
March 19, 2012

Around the Web

It’s March Madness! Check yourself into an asylum and then check out some stuff from our friends around the web. Sorry For Partying: http://thes4p.com/blog/article/581/why-your-girlfriend-hates-the-ncaa-tourney http://thes4p.com/blog/article/565/the-s4p-pickem-challenge-ways-to-guarantee-being-the-last-chosen-in-a-pick-up-g College Party Guru: http://collegepartyguru.com/themes/pages.php?link=Luck_of_the_Irish Shut Your Fat Mouth: http://shutyourfatmouth.tumblr.com/ I Don’t Feel Bad About It: http://idontfeelbadaboutit.blogspot.com/2011/11/i-wish-i-knew-how-to-quit-you-one-tree.html The University Network: http://tun.com/ MORE »

Article by Rocky
February 28, 2012

How To Avoid Getting Bandeau Blocked

I know women’s fashion about as well as Lebron James knows championships, but I’m under the impression that these bandeau-things are relatively new. They are slowly creeping into the wardrobes of skinny, hot girls across the east coast and probably elsewhere. Before I explain how they suck more than the entire Colts backup QB’s combined,... MORE »

Article by dang
December 18, 2011

Cornell Economists Determine Jesus Christ’s Patronage of Tim Tebow to be “Inefficient” and “Not conducive to solving legitimate world problems.”

Ithaca NY””Economists working in Cornell’s Policy Analysis Lab have recently discovered several flaws in Jesus Christ’s social policies. The economists, studying everything from theological infrastructures to econometrics, published a journal article last Monday noting discrepancies between Jesus Christ’s “plans for all creatures on earth” and football.  The team learned that Jesus invested too much of... MORE »

Article by Roy Parker
March 17, 2012

Film Student Discovers Spielberg Not SCA Alum, Devastated

Corey Hartman is a senior majoring in Production in the USC School of Cinematic Arts. He has survived through the construction and completion of the new SCA buildings and was tickled to no end when he found one of the buildings dedicated to his idol – Steven Spielberg. “As soon as I saw them chiseling... MORE »

Cornell »
Video by jwoww
February 16, 2011

You better be ready, Cornell.

Sean Doyle ’15 has got a little somethin somethin he wants to show you (and all his future Ivy League groupies). This may or may not be his admissions video (which leads us to believe that there must be a lot of lonely middle aged married women over at Day Hall spending late nights perusing... MORE »

Article by Leah Folta
January 27, 2012

Thoughts on Thursday’s Game (By Someone Who Doesn’t Get Sports)

If this is a basketball, I’m not messing this up yet. We got there 45 minutes early to be one of the first 1000, to get a free bag. Bags weren’t for students. Whatever this “Trojan Fever” is, it must be the reason everyone’s at home. But tickets are free! And shirts are five bucks! With sunglasses! Hell yes!... MORE »