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Pope resigns, realizes there is no God after hearing Pauly D will be playing at Syracuse University
Catholics around the world were shocked to hear that Pope Benedict XVI had resigned from his position as “THE CLOSEST PERSON TO GOD ON EARTH.” He tells sources at Campus Basement that the departure comes from fatigue, old age, and University Union’s Winter Carnival line-up. “They were hyping the students up, saying, ‘oh get ready,... MORE »
USC Realizes There Were Better Project Name Options Than Master Plan
As USC continues its restoration and expansion into the area around the University Park Campus, President C.L. Max Nikias and other school administrators now realize it would have been wise to brainstorm a little more before settling on naming their initiative the Master Plan. USC’s Master Plan – which has nearly nothing to do with... MORE »
Top Ten Pop Culture Predictions of 2013
1. Kim Kardashian gives birth on live television, baby Kimye eats its way out of Kim’s uterus Twilight-style. Kris Jenner promptly sells the newborn’s life rights to E!. 2. Anne Hathaway punches Best Actress winner Jessica Chastain at the Oscars: “I SHAVED MY HEAD FOR THIS.” 3. Leonardo DiCaprio decides to move to daytime television... MORE »
MU Brony Club and Collegiate Horsemen’s Associates engage in barn clearing brawl
Sparks flew last Tuesday between Mizzou’s respected Collegiate Horsemen’s association and the newly instated Brony club. It started as an argument over Pinky Pie and her relevance to horse grooming culture and standards, but quickly escalated into an all out brawl in the horse stables behind Hatch Hall. There were no fatalities, though several horse... MORE »
Passive Aggression Runs Rampant Across Campus
This past Thursday afternoon, campus police were dispatched to break up a fight that started in the bookstore. Witness reports state that the fight began when a 5’3” white female walked past another 5’4” white female without any visible recognition of the latter despite their past friendship. Reportedly, the two had been friends up until... MORE »
Student Asks Question To Prove He Doesn’t Need To Do So
As the second week of the semester closes, the material being covered in classes is finally starting to touch outside the realm of common sense. As we roll into week three the girl getting over some weight issues who just got her fake ID will once again be easier than your classes, and all will... MORE »
USC to Add More GE Classes because They Think Students Actually Like Them
“Who doesn’t love the General Education classes?” is the question with which USC President C.L. Max Nikias started off his public statement yesterday. And while somebody should have said, “NOBODY,” nobody did and he went on thinking that everyone does. In front of a small group of advisors and higher-ups here at the university, President... MORE »
Ramapo 2013 Commencement Speaker Announced: The Janitor Who Worked In Steve Jobs’ Accountant’s Office
Mahwah, NJ- After literally grueling and unbearable anticipation, Ramapo College has finally announced the 2013 Commencement Ceremony Speaker. It’s official: the 2013 Commencement Speaker will be The Janitor Who Worked In Steve Jobs’ Accountant’s Office. President Mercer told us exclusively, “this is literally the only guy that said yes.” He furthered that even the Butler... MORE »
Seemingly Cheerful Turtle Hangs Self in College Dorm
A turtle residing on the top shelf of a freshman dorm room desk at the University of Southern California was found dead early Tuesday morning from... MORE »