Four Loko, the popular alcoholic energy drink and currently
the second best-selling beverage on the market behind water, is rumored to be
facing legal troubles from the Food and Drug Administration for causing too
many of its customers to get absolutely blackout retarded and have like, legit
no freakin’ memory of what happened last night, bro.
The drink, sold in large 23.5 oz. tall boy cans, is the
newest craze among college students for its potent 12% alcohol content and fun
fruity flavors ranging from watermelon to cranberry lemonade. Its main
ingredient is caffeine, but it also includes taurine and guarana, two
substances so dangerous and vile that Microsoft Word doesn’t even recognize
them as actual words. Other active ingredients are absinthe, tar, paint
thinner, lighter fluid, and rat poison.
The beverage is responsible for some of the most brutal
hangovers all over the country. It’s not the kind of drink anyone buys to sip
on while reading a book or doing their homework. Its sole purpose is to help
people party and/or forget about their relationship problems. As a result, various
anti-Four Loko advocates have described the product as “liquid cocaine,”
“blackout in a can,” and “this shit will actually kill you.”
Most recently, some congressmen have started to make the
push to remove Four Loko from store shelves entirely, causing college students
everywhere to stock up on as many cans of the delicious drink as possible to prepare
for the minor apocalypse that will likely ensue sometime in the future if the
ban ever gets passed.
“I just spent $150 buying out all of Lancaster Market for
all the Four Lokos they had,” said an SU student who wished to remain
anonymous. “I’m trying to drink them as quickly as possible before they become
illegal,” he stated as he shotgunned his third can in less than 30 seconds. Because
of the caffeine content, the effects of the alcohol are sometimes slightly
delayed beyond most other alcoholic drinks. Consequently, when asked a few
minutes later where he planned on hoarding all of those cans, he was face down
in a puddle of blue raspberry vomit and was suddenly no longer responsive.