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Dear Tooth Fairy,

Yo, why didn’t you give me any money when my mom made me get my wisdom teeth surgically removed last month? That hurt like hell and I could’ve used the extra cash for– Wait. What? Ohhhh, shit. I got the wrong mythical philanthropist again. This happens every Easter, too. Let me start over:

Dear Santa,

What up? I’ve been hearing a lot of music about you lately. One song said I better not cry because you’re coming to town. Another said you kissed my mom underneath the mistletoe. That’s messed up, dude. She’s a married lady!And you’re kinda heavy for her. You’ve gotta be pushing 300, 325, right? 340? 350? Am I warm?

Really though, how do you keep that sled up in the air? I’m not one to make accusations but FYI: I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to give steroids or psychedelic drugs to reindeers. Don’t get me wrong, Santa. I believe you. Reindeers can fly. Maybe just lay off the Crunchwrap Supremes and Baja Blast Mountain Dew for a while, you know, just to make their job easier?

Anyway, how’s the Naughty/Nice list looking this year? I bet I know which list Stacy from my astronomy class is on. Actually, maybe not. Does giving someone a sloppy beej under the rec room foosball table at 3am qualify as naughty or nice?

Wait, what was I talking about? CHRISTMAS! Holy crap, I almost forgot! I don’t want an Xbox or a pony or the usual boring shit you hear all the time when you’re asking kids at the mall. What do I want for Christmas? No, seriously, I’m asking you, what do I want…I can’t remember…OH!

HESS TRUCK!!! It’s a Hess truck! You know the Hess truck, right, “the Hess truck’s back and it’s better than never, somethinggg, somethinggg, the Hess truck’s here!” Yes! Hess truck! There’s that one this year, it’s got like a flatbed in back and you can totally put the smaller car in the flatbed! HOW COOL IS THAT?!

But you know what’s not cool? That Gaddafi dude who genocided everyone. Santa, why did he do that? I want you to give him a big lump of coal. But you can’t because he’s dead now, and I’m gonna die at some point and we’re all dying and it’s just so sad. Santa, why is life so sad? That’s what I want for Christmas, Santa, I want you to tell me why.

Actually, nah. You know what I really want? A girlfriend. Who loves me and cares about me and has great big tits and a wonderful smile. Can you hook me up?

I’m lonely. Santa, why do people get lonely? Can I have a not-loneliness feeling for Christmas? My parents also need one of those. They fight a lot and I’m pretty sure they’re going to get a divorce. Santa, please get my parents a new marriage for Christmas, too.

So that’s it! A Hess truck, and a new marriage for my parents. This is gonna be the best Christmas ever! Thanks, Santa!!

Alex and Alex