(Through the decades)
Dear (1930′s) Santa,
Cristmas alls I want is some food for my rumbly tummy. And food for my brother
Jakob and Martin and John and Robert and Ezekiel and Preston and Carter and
Jeremiah and for my sister Ester and Mary and Margaret and La’Tonya. And a jobs
for daddy. And for mommy to stop crying all of the times. She cry and she cry.
She cry cry cry like a cry baby. Maybe cos she just had another baby. Mommy sed
one more baby and she’ll cut daddy’s “gypsy sausage” off. I don’t know what
that is but I hope its sumthing to eat. And maybe bring me pik-up-stix too.
Santa Claus! Ole St.Nick! Four Christmus I would like a G.I. Joe action
figure!! Boom! Die Notzees!! Ka-blam! I would also like a nice pair of galoshes
so I can stand tall and proud like Mister President Roosevelt!!! He can beat
those German Notzee scum!!!! Wham-O!! Ka-boom!!!!
Dear (1950′s )Santa,
Santa! For this Christmas I just want the smooth, rich flavor that can only be
found in Lucky StrikeÂ®
brand Cigarettes! That filtered, low-tar flavor! All the stars and the marine
Nazi-killers smoked “em! Boy-oh! Mommy says I shuldnint be smoking but daddy
says mommy is a “washed-up wino I only married becus godammn Jimmy managed to
survive 9 months being pickled alive in that booze-swill you call a woom.”
Santa if you could also bring daddy a map please? He left to get some Lucky
Cigarettes from the store but he musta got lost becos hes been gone for a week
now. Thank you Santa!
Dear (2010′s) Santa,
up santa 4 xmas iwant angrybirds touch square n sum ice 4 my bbz
from my iPod
Dear (23XX’s) Santa,
overhearing the scientists at my facility I have learned about this archaic
tradition and it seems to be my last hope. The experiment was a failure. I have lived
for four years in excruciating; unceasing agony as my proto-blood slowly
deteriorates my bionic arteries and my few organic structures attack the
robotic implants causing all my joints to swell, burst, and heal in a vicious
cycle that occurs upwards of ten times a day. I am trapped in a cage deep underground.
These bars are all I have ever known. Why graft wings to my blistered back if I
will never be able to spread them? Dear kind Santa Claus, for this “Christmas”
please bring me sweet, merciful death. That is all I ask.
Jericho//Alpha Series//Experiment Num. 7 “Jim”