Your second-best
source for the past week’s Daily Trojan headlines
Homecoming float parade happened last Wednesday : Part of an all-day festival called College Things You Saw in 80s Movies That Do Actually Happen.
Cornerback Boomer Roepke assures crowd at Homecoming rally of upcoming Huskies defeat : Assures crowd of a victory – ? He’s a witch!! Burn him!
4/5 SoCal voters favor expanded public transportation; could help students’ job opportunities : 4/5 nonvoters are excited for more routes on which to yell unintelligibly and ferry bags of trash.
Suspect named in
hit-and-run of student : Awaiting evidence necessary to change “suspect” to
“unforgivable jerkoff”
Trojan Knights org
turns 90 : Parties still shamelessly, controversially full of 20-year-olds
West 27th
Place first housing complex in SoCal to be awarded platinum certification for
environmental soundness : Sadly, going platinum at such an early age
invariably results in a cocaine problem, steady career decline
Fresh & Easy to
open in Gateway around end of December : The people rejoice! Gone are the
endless horrors of a ten-minute walk to other grocery stores!
USC’s relationship
with China strengthening : SC incriminatingly offers no comment on “why don’t
you marry it”
International
Language Exchange participants “more than double”/”increase 82 percent” : Don’t
nitpick, it’s not International Math Exchange.
USG passes resolution
calling to clarify smoking rules and designated smoking areas : “Designated
smoking area” signs will no longer be so confusingly unclear
Jefferson to be
altered for increased pedestrian/bike safety : Though the only way for
bikes and pedestrians to be truly safe, authorities discovered, is to be kept
away from other bikes.
College students’
weight gain tied mostly to drinking and working : Thank god they didn’t include
“spooning” or that’d be all three of my reasons for living
Photo Credit: Grace Talice Lee
