If you’ve taken CTCS-190 with Professor Casper, you definitely looked at the title of this article and half smiled, then nodded or rolled your eyes – probably depending on what your final grade in the class was*. If you have not taken CTCS-190 (Intro to Cinema), allow me to enlighten you with some Dr. Drew Casper wisdom: you are a postmodern baby. (If you have taken CTCS-190 and did not understand the “postmodern baby” reference, then you probably failed on account of not knowing 75% of the premise of the class).
Professor Casper as a postmodern baby, as rendered by Campus Basement's own Quinn Sosna-Spear
Though I was the official class notetaker when I took 190, I’m still a little unclear about what a postmodern baby is – other than the fact that I am one. If I remember correctly, it involves texting while walking, eating Irish-Korean fusion cuisine, and liking shitty movies. Professor Casper is much better at explaining it. All you need to know within the context of this article is that I am a postmodern baby – and unless you’re viewing a print out version of this article that you’ve randomly come upon (yeah, I know, everyone prints my articles out and distributes them anonymously), you’re probably a postmodern baby as well. Postmodern baby takes a while to type, so I am going to shorten it to PMB for the sake of time, energy, and out of laziness (THAT IS A TOTAL PMB MOVE, BTW! LOL ROFL HEHEHE)
All three of them are postmodern babies, especially the one who can't see where he/she is texting.
Though I have many attributes of a stereotypical PMB (utilizing Emoji to express my feelings, checking whether or not I have salad in my teeth using the self-picture-camera on my iPhone, working out and watching TV at the same time), there are a couple of things I’ve noticed about myself that make me stand out in the world of PMB.
I am a text snob.
Despite the fact that I have been known to pretend to text in order to get out of awkward elevator chitchat, I actually am not a big fan of texting. The only people I actually make an effort to text are:
(a) people who have a similar text style (i.e. send me really unflattering pictures of themselves and use Emoji a lot)
(b) my family (SHOUTOUT TO MY PARENTS AND SISTER, two of whom are probably reading this. Have a good Easter weekend, I miss you all! Say hi to the dog for me!)
(c) friends from freshman year that I am slowly drifting away from (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. TEXT ME IF YOU READ THIS.)
Basically, it comes down to eight people that I semi-regularly text. This is not because I’m anti-technology (hahahahahahahaha), this is because I’m a complete text snob.
How I feel about my computer.
Maybe this doesn’t make sense. Okay. There are a few people I am really good friends with in real life, but refuse to text message. They are bad at texting. I don’t like the way they text. They abbreviate words that don’t need to be abbreviated.
Take my friend Leonardo, for instance**. When Leonardo and I talk in real life, we have conversations that last for hours. On more than one occasion, it’s taken other people actively interrupting us to get the Leonardo-Cailin conversations to end. Leonardo’s a smart, funny guy.
And then he picks up his cell phone.
I can’t text Leonardo. I mean, I do occasionally if I have something important to say like, “Uh, where are you? <insert annoyed Emoji face>” or “Ahhh sorry I’m going to be late!!! <insert apologetic Emoji face>” or “Yeah, I failed my driving test again <insert I-grew-up-in-China Emoji face>”.
For some reason, Leonardo’s intellect and sense of humor cannot translate via text.
Usually he’s all: “haha kewl” or “r u free 2 go 2 dinna?” or “haha kk lol c u l8r.”
What I imagine Leonardo looks like when he texts.
YOU SHOULDN’T RESPELL WORDS THAT LITERALLY HAVE THE SAME NUMBER OF LETTERS. We aren’t in sixth grade on AIM or MSN anymore! “Kewl” died years ago! So did “gurl.” I’ve even progressively developed an aversion to “kk” – it takes the same amount of time to text “ok,” less time to text “k,” or if you’re feeling really crazy “okay” actually doesn’t take long either.
It is because I’m a bratty PMB that I can’t take my relationship with Leonardo to a texting level. If only I could, then maybe my phone bill would be an extra $50/month!
Pretty soon after coming to college and being introduced to hyperactive text culture, I realized I couldn’t be a part of it. I’m 2 much of a txt snob, yo.
I do not make friends in class (but probably should).
This may not be PMB specific, this might just be a personality thing (I promise I am not as bratty as this article is making me sound). If I like a class, I’m there five minutes early, notebook or computer out and poised to take notes. I might say something to the professor afterwards. I’m pretty no nonsense about it – there’s not a lot of “Hey girl I don’t know your name, but I saved you a seat!” or “Yeah, totally you can borrow my notes!”
If I don’t like a class, I slip in just as lecture is beginning, leave as soon as it ends, and put my headphones on as I walk out the door.
I didn’t realize until last semester that people actually make friends/find dates/utilize class for social purposes. Unless I already have friends/enemies in a class (usually the latter, obviously), there are seldom new bonds made.
This is very PMB of me, since I’d rather check Facebook on my way out of class than have small talk with people whose names I don’t know. I’M ALL BUSINESS ALL THE TIME.
Today after my Chinese class, a girl (I do not know her name. She is friendly, has great hair, and her Chinese is exponentially better than mine is – probably on account of her being Chinese) kind of walked with me out of the classroom and we had the following exchange:
Her hair is like this, minus the "blowing in the wind" part.
Girl with great hair: “Hey, you got a haircut!”
Me: “Yeah!”
[My thoughts: You have really pretty hair. Please teach me your ways.]
[Her thoughts: The white girl in my Chinese class got a haircut.]
Girl with great hair: “It looks cute!”
Me: “Thanks!”
[My thoughts: Why does everything I say have an exclamation mark after it.]
[Her thoughts: Maybe her English is as limited as her Chinese.]
Girl with great hair: “That movie we were watching was really weird.”
Me: “Yeah, I’m not really into gratuitous violence.”
Girl with great hair: “And there were all the prostitutes…”
Me: “And the train scene. I honestly had no idea what was going on. ”
Girl with great hair laughs a great laugh. I laugh awkwardly, per usual.
Me: “See you Thursday!”
Girl with great hair: “See you!”
PMB Conclusions
The point of sharing this really riveting exchange is that we should all stop being PMBs once in a while. People – especially people with great hair? – are cool and friendly.
However, I’m still not texting text-illiterate people. I have to stand my PMB ground somehow.
*Or if you were Team Casper or not. I am 100% Team Casper – what other professor else cries at the end of the last lecture every single semester?
**I actually don’t have any friends named Leonardo, so if you do, please pass him on to me.
