Last Thursday night, April 7th, to be more specific, actor, heartthrob and leading man/elf/pirate of my teenage years Orlando Bloom made a surprise visit to the University of Southern California. Of all the universities, he came here. To my college, in a building that is literally a 5-minute stroll from where I sleep. It was too good to be true.

Too good, because I learned of his visit the next morning.

And not because I woke up in bed to find him next to me, either. No, that would have made too much sense.

Instead, I heard about it well after he was long gone, presumably too far for even a 20 minute stroll.

It turns out that Orlando Bloom was a guest panelist at an on campus screening of a film in which he recently starred. At this time, I was out enjoying some delicious In-N-Out, something I don’t even typically do on the average Thursday. I knew something didn’t feel right.

Sure, In-N-Out might be more nutritionally satisfying than an unbelievably handsome man, but you need to understand something. To this writer, Orlando Bloom is like In-N-Out for the eyeballs. And that night, these eyes went hungry. Maybe forever.

Purely for journalistic purposes, I’ve been trying to piece together the events of that night by talking to anyone that may have touched him- I mean seen him.

“He smelled exactly as I always imagined he would,” reported Karen Wong, junior. “Really clean, with just a hint of magic.” No surprises there. I suspected as much, but why universe why?!?

I decided to get some other opinions in the hopes that maybe I hadn’t really missed out. After all, it has been a few years since his heyday.

“He was really candid with us,” said Rebecca Van Etten, senior. “As handsome and famous as he is, he seemed kinda lonely. At one point he said he just wanted to be held for an afternoon in the grass, and no one volunteered. It was the weirdest thing.”
This can’t be happening.

Several students confirmed that he changed costume several times, reprising both his Will Turner and Legolas roles just for the fun of it. He even offered to put on the Paris costume from Troy, but no one really wanted to see that.

Desperate for perhaps a more objective account, I caught up with Kevin Lunde, a freshman male. “Oh yeah, he totally wore his different costumes. It was kinda random, but at one point he said that if there was anybody named Lia in the audience, he would make out with her while in character, no questions asked. He must’ve said that because nobody is actually named Lia. He’s so funny, that Orlando.”

This is a nightmare.

In light of this incident, a new plan  has been placed in order. Until Orlando Bloom stars in another movie, needs to tell USC about it, and brings my heart back with him, I will not be leaving this campus.