This past winter break, students embraced the season’s latest
fashion must-haves, including but not limited to scarves, pea coats, sweatpants
and wisdom-toothless mouths.

No one is quite sure who started it, but within days of
beginning winter vacation, students were clamoring for the nearest oral surgeon
to work his/her magic. After giving itself a high five, the ecstatic oral
surgery community celebrated over the seasonal surge in demand for the procedure.

“Do I think the winter influx is actually on account of students
scheduling wisdom teeth removal over break because they will be at home and on
vacation? Of course not.” Insists Thomas Yink, M.D. “I can guarantee you it’s
just the sexy thing to do now.”

It would certainly appear that way. “Other than the significant
pain, swelling, and inability to really use your mouth at all, it’s really no
big deal,” smiles a post-surgery Josh Rue, freshman, his cheeks looking like
chipmunks are sleeping soundly inside of them. “Wisdom teeth are gross, you
know? Why WOULDN’T I want to replace them with giant bloody craters!? You’d
have to be crazy not to. Look at me. I’m irresistible now. Pass me that pudding
filled ice pack, please.”

Speaking of crazy, experts began suspecting that there was
some causality between the loss of so many wisdom teeth and an increase in
foolish behavior, but after a national group of oral surgeons brought the
aforementioned experts what was described as “a lesson in taking things too
literally,” along with “a really really nice lunch spread,” the experts
admitted that any link between oral surgery and loss of intelligence was
“absolutely not possible. Seriously, you have to try this cheese.”

Not everyone is buying into the wisdomless party. “It’s
disgusting,” complains Holly Burke, senior. “When did having extra teeth in the
back of your mouth become something ugly, something to be ashamed of?”

“It was winter break. That’s when.” I reminded her.

Courtney Ross, sophomore, agrees. “Honestly, they’re part of adulthood, and I
think not having them makes you look like a child. I’m pretty sure they got
this from porn.”

However, some that have opted for the chic new look feel that
they have more wholesome reasons behind the decision. “I chose to remove my
wisdom teeth because I wanted to make a statement,” explains Craig Garret,
junior. “This reminds me of who I am, and what I had for lunch because it’s
still stuck back there. Excuse me.”

After we gave Garret some time to swish out the remnants of
his pasta that were trapped in the gaping holes that now serve as his wisdom
teeth graveyard, Garret left us with this message.

“Really, I did it for me. No one can see it, but I know it’s

Or not there, as the case may be.