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Study Finds Surprising Cause of Weight Gain
by guest writer Kurt Steiner A new study from the Foundation for Medical Research (FMR) identifies a previously overlooked symptom of weight gain to be a possible cause of the malady. The suspect? Oversized pants. According to Dr. Jack Wyman, the lead scientist for the study, “A whopping 72% of those who had serious weight... MORE »
Study Shows C.U. Has Most ‘Paper Gangsters’ in U.S.
Somewhere in between the wigs, hats, and jockstraps in the back of her closet, Lady Gaga once coined the term ‘paper gangster’. A paper gangster is defined by Urban Dictionary as a bulls*** fake wanna-be who tries to be ghetto, thinks he/she is from the streets, and is a punk-ass mother****** who should be listening... MORE »
Week in Review: Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s News
Your second best source for this week’s Daily Trojan headlines. New president aims to strengthen community By community, she meant the tv show. Pew study found 36 % of young adults heard about Kony 2012 through the internet The remaining 64% only saw about it through the internet. Suspect entered classroom while class was in... MORE »
Student Suspended For Attending Too Many Classes
Do you often feel overwhelmed because you are taking too many credits? Do you just go to other classes to just acquire more knowledge? No, I’m pretty sure you and I both don’t. That isn’t the case with junior Megan Kim of the engineering school, who was suspended from Cornell for attending too many classes... MORE »
BREAKING: Guy who doesn’t chip in thought beer was free
“It’s like when I found out Santa wasn’t real, all over again,” says Ross*, a junior who hasn’t put a dime toward beer the three years he’s been drinking it. “When I think back to all the shotgunning, all the beer pong… Even the victories feel like shame.” The frequent party host who broke the... MORE »
Study: Collegiate Sports Lead to School Spirit; College Officials Outraged
MAHWAH, NJ: A disturbing new study done at Ramapo College of New Jersey seems to link participation and/or support of campus athletic teams to a dramatic increase in school spirit. According to Ramapo census takers, who conducted the survey by repeatedly sending out duplicates of the same email until students got tired of sending it... MORE »
Cornell Researchers Unsure Why Students Drink
ITHACA, NY – Despite numerous changes in University policy ““ including prohibiting freshmen students from attending open fraternity parties, and banning alcohol from sorority “mixers” ““ the prevalence of medical transports and other alcohol related incidents at Cornell has remained unchanged. Recently, a team of researchers from the College of Agriculture & Life Sciences set... MORE »
Breaking News: College Professors Are Old
A recent study conducted by the Old People Association of Educational Things and Stuff found that 89% of all college professors are indeed age 60+. And yet, the test not only measured physical age, but mental age, creating a record breaking statistic of all college professors with an elderly mental age at 99%. The study... MORE »
4.0 GPA Totally Compensates for Sex-less Semester, Rationalizes Freshman
Upon checking his course grades on student center, freshman Phineas Plottman expressed tempered joy and mild exuberance over the fact that his semester spent not fornicating with members of the opposite sex, culminated in a 4.0 GPA. “Oh my gosh, this feeling is so amazing,” said Plottman meekly, “definitely more satisfying than repeatedly thrusting my... MORE »