Dear CollegeMags,

Please get up off your ass (pause Newsies, if you must) and go to Student Health Services IMMEDIATELY. No, you’re not diseased, you silly bird! But it’s a little known fact that Student Health Services is the greatest place on campus, nay, on earth. It’s basically Disney World sans mouse. And rides. And fireworks. OK, it’s nothing like Disney World, but it is awesome and I’ll tell you why you should start spending an inordinate amount of time there.

First of all, if you’re ever in need of some Mommy-love, StuServs is a building full of fill-in Mom-types.

– The “sweet mom” who will give you a sympathetic ear and pump you full of meds because she just wants her little schmudgums to feel better.

– The “concerned mom” who constantly asks if you’re eating right and what your poop schedule currently is.

– The “tough love mom” who doesn’t want to hear none of yo’ bullshit excuses and you better start acting like an adult otherwise you are going to end up alone FOREVER.

– And of course the “distant, emotionally abusive, alcoholic mom” who ridicules you non-stop for no reason and throws medical waste at you.

But that last person is actually just a crazed townie who takes naps in the waiting room, don’t concern yourself with her. The rest are great and sometimes really needed. Go to them. All they’re asking is for you to love them.

It’s also in the hallowed halls of Student Services where you will meet and befriend Debbie the Nutritionist. Debbie the Nutritionist is possibly one of the nicest human beings on the planet. Why she likes us, I have no idea. But once a week you’ll visit her and the two of you will learn and laugh and discuss the wonders of portion size. Debbie will be the one to teach you that just because it has the word “salad” in it does not mean it’s good for you. And that’s a lesson you just can’t get in the classroom.

Also, who doesn’t love a place where you can be both handed a bottle of cough syrup cut with codeine AND have your vag swiped with what is basically a glorified tooth brush, all free of charge? (See? Disney World.)

Speaking of, please do yourself a favor and head up to the second floor gynecologist wing. Your vagina is like a little baby whose birthday was the first day of college. If it is being exposed to the world, it needs to be tended to by those who know it best. Forewarning though, the gyno staff at StuServs is a little kooky. It’s probably because they want you to feel more at ease whilst exposing your lady business.

However, it can become a little off-putting. For instance, the time when you’re spreading your legs and look to the left to find multiple Harry Potter posters hanging up on the wall. Needless to say, this experience adds a whole new layer to The Chamber of Secrets.

So, go. Go, CollegeMags. Take care of your mind, body, and soul at Student Health Services. Also, the boys you’ll meet there are sick and thus vulnerable. Show ‘em the clean bill of health from your gyno and you’ll totally get laid.

Thank me later!