I love brackets. They are the parentheses’ ugly cousin. [They are the boxy, Khloe Kardashian to the sumptuous curves of the Kim Kardashian-like parenthesis)

Want to know what bracket I’m not so keen on? The March Madness bracket. I grew up with the Lakers and the Clippers, people. I’ve seen professionals fight and whine like school children on an official, NBA court. When Gonzaga is trying to beat Some Other U., why should I care when I’ve seen a real Laker Girl’s hidden cellulite? Answer: I shouldn’t care. And I won’t pretend to be enthused and fill out a March Madness bracket, all so Bobby College will think I’m cute and sports-oriented. Instead, here are some brackets I would enjoy filling out. Let’s make these a reality.

Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors Bracket

31 flavors. Only one can truly be the best. But which? Let’s all eat a shit ton of ice cream and find out.

Internet Sites that Waste my Time Bracket

Facebook? Stumbleupon? Campusbasement? Which one is supreme in wasting a college coed’s precious time? I might start this bracket, but I will probably forget to finish it because I will get lost on one of these sites.

Hot actors in V-necks Bracket

Sunglasses are optional. But usually included. This bracket should instigate sporty conversations between friends, comparing the stats and maneuvers of each of the hot actors involved. “Stats” here obviously means which hot actor you would bang.

Harry Potter’s Order of the Phoenix versus Death Eaters Characters

If I have to explain this to you, frankly you are using up valuable oxygen for the remaining, Harry Potter-loving world. You should probably stop doing that. If you get what a “Harry Potter’s Order of the Phoenix versus Death Eaters Bracket” means, I am saying I want to muggle the shit out of the wizarding duels of Harry Potter. I wanna see who you think would win, and against whom. By using whom I sound smart, and british. I’m basically a witch. Include me in your bracket.

Sandwich Bracket

You’re on death row. No, I don’t know what crime you committed, you sick bastard. Anyway, you’re on death row and it’s your last meal. The kitchen says it has to be a sandwich. But which one do you pick? The BLT? The PB & J? A sandwich that doesn’t have recognizable initials? This bracket could solve the problem of the supreme sandwich for all sandwich-lovers out there.

Beer Bracket

People use March madness to get drunk. Why not cut out the middle man and just bracket all the types of beer that you love to chug? You can have tastings to figure out which one will be victorious. Afterwards you can have bracket-sponsored vomiting and frat-boy making out-ing.

And finally…

The Bracket Bracket

Do I like them italicized. In colors? In black but on a colored background? Colored but on a plain background? Are there enough brackets to fill out a Bracket Bracket? Let’s make a bracket and we’ll find out.

Approach me with your bracket on any of the above, and watch me turn into the picture of friendliness. Talk to me about your “March Madness” bracket, and I will punch you in the kidney. Unless it’s a bracket you made about various institutionalized marching bands. In which case, I would probably find it very entertaining, and in line with the brackets I made above.