MU student Sarah Stark was found on the back deck of AΣΣ’s house last Thursday, bawling her eyes out for no apparent reason.
“One second I see her up on the table dancing with a guy I’m almost certain she’s never met, and the next second she’s falling all over me sobbing, ‘I wanna go home, I wanna go back to Wolpers,’ and I was just like sweetheart, we live in Schurz…” said close friend Ashley Simmonds.
Simmonds also claimed that even after minutes of prying, she was unable to determine the reason behind the outburst of intense melancholy, though a few hypotheses have been put forth and are currently being explored.
“I guess I might have opened her snapchat before I texted her back last night, but I was taking a shit, I was only trying to be respectful,” said Stark’s short-term fuck buddy, Caleb Tennant.
After realizing he needs more fiber in his diet, Tennant responded to the snapchat several minutes later with a picture of him in a dark room with the caption, “tits?” because he is a true gentleman.
Witnesses say that an unidentified white girl, described as being bitter, alone and missing an earring, called Stark an “ugly bitch” during her tabletop performance. While friends reassured Stark that she is neither ugly nor a bitch, there has been no evidence to the contrary.
The final, and most likely hypothesis is that Stark took a long hard look at her life and was overcome with shame and disgust. That night alone she shared a handle with a girl sporting a suspicious looking cold sore on her upper lip, passed out for a brief moment on the floor of a fraternity house bathroom and made out with a guy wearing a screen-printed Hollister t-shirt. Any two of these things are grounds for tears, and this was just an average night.
Stark is unable to comment, too overcome with shame, according to sources close with the young woman. Authorities are concerned she may never be able to, due to the blackout conditions she subjected herself to that fateful night.
If anyone has any information on why Sarah Stark was such a “hot mess” on Thursday night, please post it on her Facebook wall, so her sorority’s standards council can deal with it accordingly.
