Christmas is over, as is New Years, and a new semester is
about to begin. Shit. Think of long treks in the snow, fighting to
get to class through brutally cold wind, and piles of Kleenex accumulating in a
corner of the room. Lovely.

Believe it or not, the holiday season is not quite over
yet. CoMo has one more surprise waiting
for its residents, a gift that will have all the girls squealing.

Forever 21.

Yes. It is coming to
Columbia. Yes. It is going to be a momentous occasion. Orgasmic, almost.

“I always hated the fact that Columbia never had a Forever
21. It’s only, like, the best store
ever,” junior Anna Leslie stated. “I
just wish it had come sooner.”

Leslie isn’t the only girl with these sentiments. Countless others have remarked on how excited
they are to finally have the luxury of shopping at Forever 21. The male population, however, is uncertain
how to feel about the new store opening.

“You know how you’ll be at a party and some chick will come
up to you and be like “hey, Alex, what’s up?’ and you just look at her like “da
fuck?’ Then you realize you hooked up
with her at the last party, but you still can’t remember her name”¦ Yeah. Well it’s only going to get worse from here,”
said sophomore Alex Jacobs.

Freshmen Will Williamson agreed. “We really won’t be able to tell them apart
now,” he despaired. “They travel in
packs, wear the same clothes, and say the same things”¦ it’s terrifying.”

Terrifying, indeed.
Girls will soon be wearing the same hats, scarves, shoes, pants, shirts,
nail polish, dresses, skirts, earrings, necklaces”¦ pretty much any article of
clothing or accessory imaginable.
Walking through campus will be like walking around a town full of clones.
Clones dressed in sexy clothing, no less.

The arrival of Forever 21 was due to the general outcry for
the store. Young women have been traveling
outside of Columbia for years to satisfy their craving for the clothes offered
at Forever 21. Now it is a simple ten-minute
drive away.

The event is clearly going to be a precedent for things to
come. Students now believe that, with
enough whining and overlarge, somewhat-puppy-looking eyes, their hearts’
desires will be recognized. Forever 21 was
first and what will come next remains to be seen. Redbox, anyone?