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February 24, 2012

Obama Not Only Muslim But Pees Sitting Down

Shortly before President Obama was elected into office the nation was racked with fear that he might be of the Islamic faith. Now, with the 2012 election looming, it appears that Obama’s religion will be questioned once more. What voters need to know, however, is that there are more pressing issues regarding Obama that must... MORE »

February 12, 2012

Reasoning Behind Radcliffe’s Alcoholism Revealed: Gingers

The cause of Daniel Radcliffe’s drinking problem may be directly linked to his role as Harry Potter, according to a source close to Radcliffe. “Playing Harry was a huge part of Dan’s life,” said Radcliffe’s mother, Janelle Radcliffe. “In fact, it became his life. Sometimes, I feel as if he would’ve responded better to Harry... MORE »

February 3, 2012

Warm Weather Causes Student Breakdown

A Mizzou student is undergoing therapy after an emotional breakdown about the warm weather Missouri’s had recently. Freshman Barbara Bumble was admitted into counseling yesterday, sobbing and muttering incoherently about the end of the world. According to a therapist, who wished to remain anonymous for legality reasons, Bumble was tranquilized and sent to the “quiet... MORE »

January 31, 2012

Mizzou Copes with a Second Loss

Note: All basketball players interviewed for this article asked for anonymity for fear of the coach giving them the “stank eye” ““ the most feared of all punishments. After the devastating loss to Oklahoma State this past week, Mizzou fans were at a loss. Mizzou basketball players, meanwhile, were hysterical. And furious. “When the students... MORE »

January 22, 2012

The Syllabus to Syllabus Week

Syllabus Week University of Missouri Jan 14 ““ Jan 26, 2012 Professor: Captain Morgan Time: 24/7 Location: Anywhere Office Hours: 8 PM ““ 4 AM every day Course Description: This one-week course is designed to test the dedication of every student. It involves drinking copious amounts of alcohol, partying until you can’t remember your own... MORE »

January 13, 2012

Whining Does Pay Off: Forever 21 Comes to Mizzou

Christmas is over, as is New Years, and a new semester is about to begin. Shit. Think of long treks in the snow, fighting to get to class through brutally cold wind, and piles of Kleenex accumulating in a corner of the room. Lovely. Believe it or not, the holiday season is not quite over... MORE »

December 20, 2011

What Parents Should Really Get Their College Kids for Christmas

As the big day approaches ““ and by this I mean Christmas, not the birth of your next child ““ you’ve become increasingly anxious about finding the right gift. Not just any gift, but the most perfect of gifts for your most perfect child. Yeah, I’m talking about the same kid that gets trashed on... MORE »

December 8, 2011

Chancellor “Sorry Not Sorry” for Hosting Christmas Rave

This past Monday Chancellor Brady Deaton opened his house to the public, offering views of his ostentatious and overwhelming Christmas decorations. Brimming with memories, alumni walked the halls of the house with their insolent children in tow, making certain to glance back every once in a while to remind their child that this was their... MORE »

December 2, 2011

Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wife, ‘Cause MU’s Meal Plans Are Gettin’ Errbody Out Here!

This past week you may have noticed people buried beneath the weight of rectangular rice krispie treats and stacks of pop as they walk to their dorms. This is not uncommon. In fact, it has become the celebrated norm around Mizzou. The meal plan the university offers is currently biting people in the ass. Hard.... MORE »