Some of us live in poorly renovated skyscrapers, others reside on the outskirts of the ghetto, but only the Kings and Queens of Cuse get to live in the fabled Ernie Davis hall. While using the pristine new bathrooms in Davis, one can almost feel the exhilaration of literally shitting on all of the other residence halls.

Already, the incoming freshmen have begun to riot, comparing their fate of living in the Flint or Day Halls to spending the next year in a roach-infested cardboard box. Ernie Davis has acquired this “heaven-like” reputation for many reasons, the first and foremost being how exclusive it is. With its jacket and tie dress code at all times, only the classiest of the classy are able to roam the halls. Secondly, the Zagat approved five-star gourmet restaurant, “Le Orange,” located on the Penthouse level, requires reservations to be made months in advance. Students and teachers are coming from all over to sample Chef Jean-Claude Pierre’s prized filet mignon, which has just recently beat out Flint’s Oatmeal Surprise as the best food available on the meal-plan.

Only opening last August, Syracuse University already has major plans for Davis hall this year. The list of proposed changes includes a rooftop pool, a helipad, and complete renovation of the already one-year-old 10,600-square-foot recreation facility. These new changes will come at the cost of cutting the much-awaited new light bulbs for Flint Hall. When the Supreme Chancellor of the Imperial Senate Cantor was asked for his opinion on the new Davis-favored budget changes he stated, “Syracuse knows what our athletes want, these new changes at Davis will ensure a higher standard of living for them, and quite possibly a championship! What’s another year of candlelight studying to those disgusting peasants in Flint?”