Prompted by the countless emails by parents to the Bursar
office demanding explanation for rampant CornellCard purchases by their
children, Cornell is instituting a mandatory one-credit course on personal
finance for all undergraduates. The core principles of the class will dispel the belief that Big Red Bucks grow on trees in the Cornell Orchards and that paying $4 for 16 ounce carton of juice is
economical, while encouraging students to continue moving forward with their
thriftiness in selecting Keystone Light as their premier beer instead of “the
pricey stuff”.

Buzz has been resonating throughout the campus as students
are concerned that the new course will hit harder on their GPA than
college-life on their wallets.

Handing out quarter cards in protest on Ho Plaza, the Wealthy Against Sustainable
Personal Spending (WASPS), in an act of irony lauded the course as a waste of
their tuition money.

Passersby were glad to take the quarter cards from the group as they were printed on actual U.S.
currency. The protest was capped off
with $15 glasses of bourbon at Stella’s.

Standing in staunch opposition to the students lies the
administration as well as the parents of resisting students. Administrators assert this course is more relevant these days than knowing how to swim, “and we still do that stupid
test!” said University Vice President for Communications and Media Relations
Tommy Bruce. Several sources cite ulterior motives from University officials in pushing the new required course due to its heavy focus in the syllabus on “Giving To Your Alma Mater: The Best
Investment Available.” Economically stressed parents who were unable to reign in their child’s spending habits and were grossly negligent in raising their children to be fiscally responsible
with their gross incomes are hoping the course will be the kick in the butt
their kids need.

“I forgot to instill in my son how to be responsible with money,” a parent of an incoming freshmen told the Sun, “so it would be nice if our $45,000 a year school could do it for
me.”

Although the paperwork making the course a requirement has been signed by President Skorton and approved by the Trustees, undergraduates claim that with the finance course forced upon them
they will resort to usual tactics with their courses: sleeping in or showing up
to class hung-over and unfocused.