Student Donates Blood to Save Money on Alcohol

Article by drewthegoose October 17, 2012

A student at the University of Missouri donated blood Monday to save money on his alcoholic expenditures. Albert Coholic, a sophomore business major, gave blood at Mizzou’s annual homecoming blood drive. Coholic said that he has been waiting all year to make his donation. “I care a lot about the welfare of others and shit,”... MORE »

Mizzou »
Article by connorc23
October 17, 2012

Cosmopolitan and Esquire Purchase MOVE Magazine

In a surprising move that also shocked no one, The Hearst Corporation, owner of both Cosmopolitan and Esquire, has acquired The Maneater’s very own MOVE Magazine. “I frequently write about when and how I’m getting laid and when I’m not, both in vast detail,” MOVE writer Samantha Jensen said. “Then I was offered a job... MORE »

Article by carolineoreilly
October 12, 2012

MU Bookstore now accepting Confederate money

The University of Missouri has only very recently become a part of the SEC, but  southern hospitality as already taken hold of the campus. For this weekend only, in honor of MU’s first game against the University of Alabama as a fellow SEC team, the MU Bookstore and Student Union will be accepting Confederate money.... MORE »

Article by natkirst
October 11, 2012

Chess Team Offers Free Blow Jobs To Vanderbilt Fans In The Name Of Sportsmanship

In the spirit of the somewhat overbearing sportsmanship that Mizzou fans dish out every game day, MU’s nationally ranked chess team decided they would show their appreciation to the Vanderbilt fans that drove 433 miles by offering free blow jobs to anyone showing some Commodore pride. “We were at the Golden Corral to celebrate our... MORE »

Article by drewthegoose
October 11, 2012

Student’s Case of Mudbutt Reaches Critical Mass During Midterm Exam

A student at the University of Missouri experienced the worst-recorded instance of mudbutt in history during his first midterm examination. Dalton Croggs, a sophomore at Mizzou, reported the incident Thursday after his exam ended at 3:50 p.m. Doctors at the Student Health Center treated Croggs and noticed that his underwear had suffered severe damage. Mudbutt,... MORE »

Mizzou »
Article by connorc23
October 3, 2012

Extensive Research Reveals that Mizzou Basement Writers Can Work Well While Intoxicated

In a recent study conducted by Mizzou Basement staff and collaboratively supervised and published by the Harvard University Press, CERN, The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives, and Vladimir Putin’s cabinet, it appears that the writers and photo artists at Mizzou Basement can write their articles and photoshop under the influence of alcoholic beverages... MORE »

Article by BradBabendir
October 2, 2012

MU plans to close Geography Department, citing irrelevance

  MU will no longer offer a Geography major to incoming freshman and will shut down the department when all current students have graduated, according to a statement released earlier today. “I’ll be honest, it wasn’t that tough of a decision,” MU Chancellor Brady Deaton said. “We’ve pretty much already found everything. And people can find... MORE »

Article by carolineoreilly
October 1, 2012

MU Introduces Jersey Chasing as Newest Club Sport

Carefully checking her makeup using the selfie-mode of her iPhone 4s, Mary hides behind a trash can, lying in wait for the moment when Freshmen tight end Jack (whose name has been changed for his own personal safety) leaves his room, at which point she will pop up and accidentally bump into him, thus striking... MORE »

Article by natkirst
September 29, 2012

Tests Show Nobody Can Read or Spell

A recent exam in Psychology 1000 proved not only do Professor Richard Stevenson’s students have absolutely no grasp on general psychology, but they are also unable to read and spell even the simplest of words. This only came as some what of a shock to Stevenson and his Teaching Assistants, as they cannot read or... MORE »