MU Introduces Jersey Chasing as Newest Club Sport

Article by carolineoreilly October 1, 2012

Carefully checking her makeup using the selfie-mode of her iPhone 4s, Mary hides behind a trash can, lying in wait for the moment when Freshmen tight end Jack (whose name has been changed for his own personal safety) leaves his room, at which point she will pop up and accidentally bump into him, thus striking... MORE »

Article by natkirst
September 29, 2012

Tests Show Nobody Can Read or Spell

A recent exam in Psychology 1000 proved not only do Professor Richard Stevenson’s students have absolutely no grasp on general psychology, but they are also unable to read and spell even the simplest of words. This only came as some what of a shock to Stevenson and his Teaching Assistants, as they cannot read or... MORE »

Article by kevinmodelski
September 29, 2012

Gonga and Penguin split up over creative differences

Speaker’s Circle on the University of Missouri campus has never seemed so quiet, as Gonga, the accordion-playing gorilla, and Penguin, his drummer/bird counterpart, split up Tuesday afternoon after a disagreement over creative control of their music. Sources said the duo had been fighting over creative control ever since they started playing together. “Gonga like to... MORE »

Mizzou »
Article by connorc23
September 25, 2012

Acid Shortage Dire, Artsy Students and Faculty Desperate

The availability of lysergic acid diethylamide has dropped 90 percent, and right-brained students across campus are becoming desperate. Professor Emeritus of Toxicology Marcus Johnston was arrested one week ago for the manufacture of the drug in the shed behind his house. Among the most severely affected by this shortage are students of Philosophy and English,... MORE »

Article by BradBabendir
September 21, 2012

21 year old sorority girl surprised to learn alcoholic drinks cost money

A tragic scene occurred at Campus Bar & Grill and then Harpo’s on Wednesday night. Jamie Ellen, a member of Sigma Sigma Alpha, was celebrating her 21st birthday, which took a turn for the worst when both bars tried to charge her for the alcohol that she had been drinking. “It happens a lot more... MORE »

Article by kevinmodelski
September 21, 2012

Mizzou professors, janitors, others to receive Nike Pro Combat uniforms

After University of Missouri athletic teams received new Nike uniforms, Mizzou professors, janitors, residential life staff, and others will also be receiving Nike Pro Combat uniforms to commemorate the school’s change into the Southeastern Conference (SEC). The new uniforms resemble football jerseys, complete with numbers, names on the back, and even the SEC logo on... MORE »

Article by Chris Varney
September 21, 2012

Gannett and Anheuser-Busch to sponsor J-School’s new “Detecting Corporate Bias” class

Introducing the Dodge Dart II. New Rules.   Journalism students will have the opportunity to take a new class, tentatively titled “Detecting Corporate Bias,” starting this spring due to a donation from the Gannett and Anheuser-Busch InBev companies. The three credit hour class will include a weekly lecture from a MU faculty member and representatives... MORE »

Article by kevinmodelski
September 14, 2012

Discovery of Mizzou II Initiates Change of “One Mizzou” Motto

After the discovery of what experts are calling “Mizzou II,” University of Missouri officials and administrators met yesterday to consider changing the school’s lame “One Mizzou” motto. The University’s Motto Creating Team (UMCT) discussed the future of the “One Mizzou” motto and what the alternatives to the cliché slogan are. “Every single one of us... MORE »

Article by natkirst
September 13, 2012

9 Out Of 10 Cleaning Crew Members Report Complete Job Satisfaction

A recent survey done by the National Allegiance for People that Clean Other People’s Shit Up (NAPCOPSU) reports that 9 out of every 10 members of The University of Missouri’s residence hall cleaning crew absolutely love their job. Not that this came as a shock to the thousands of student that they serve. “Every morning... MORE »