After the discovery of what experts are calling “Mizzou II,” University of Missouri officials and administrators met yesterday to consider changing the school’s lame “One Mizzou” motto.
The University’s Motto Creating Team (UMCT) discussed the future of the “One Mizzou” motto and what the alternatives to the cliché slogan are.
“Every single one of us was just completely baffled,” UMCT Chairman Derek Petrucci said. “I just made the freaking motto a few years ago and they expect me to come up with something more complex than ‘One Mizzou’?”
Petrucci said the University’s Administrative Board was still approving the options his team came up with.
“We came up with a huge range of new mottos, but they’re all pretty crappy,” Petrucci said. “Phrases like, ‘Two Mizzous,’ and ‘Guess What: There’s Another Mizzou’ really don’t capture the superiority of our Mizzou here in the real world.”
Although Petrucci wasn’t satisfied with his team’s creativity, University Administrative Board Member Donald Springfield is in a desperate need for something new.
“Let’s face it: the motto they came up with sucks worse than all of Michael Bay’s filmography,” Springfield said. “But all this ‘Mizzou II’ crap is really putting the pressure on us to change our old motto immediately.”
Petrucci said one other motto considered was “There Can Only Be One Mizzou,” but the idea was rejected, as he feared it would encourage a civil war between Mizzou and Mizzou II.
Mizzou sophomore Carl Davis discovered Mizzou II after getting lost in Ellis Library. He was stuck at the library for three days, surviving on only a bottle of water and gum stuck to the bottom of the bookshelves.
“I thought the door was an emergency exit, and I tried it because I honestly thought I was never going to make it out alive,” Davis said. “I just opened it up and there it was…a whole new Mizzou right in front of me.”
Experts are still researching the nature of Mizzou II, as it appears to be from another dimension, probably the same place as George Clinton and P Funk.
According to cryptozoologist Alfred Trenton, the only known expert on the mating and dieting habits of Chupacabras, Mizzou II has many similarities to a dystopia.
“Mizzou II reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld with the Bizarro Jerry,” Trenton said. “Everything we have here, they seem to have the opposite over there, which makes it so damn depressing.”
According to Trenton’s observations of Mizzou II, the columns are located on the South Quad, Laws Hall has the prettiest dorms on campus, and the school is now in the Big XII athletic conference after switching from the SEC.
Also in the world of Mizzou II, Truman the Tiger’s counterpart is Dewey the Tiger, since Thomas Dewey actually beat Harry S. Truman in the 1948 presidential election.
“In some ways, the two schools aren’t so different,” Trenton said. “Missouri is still the meth capital of the United States, and Kansas still sucks more than the Kardashians.”
